Life of Brian Volume I

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Here are a few tidbits of my life and how I see it...




I am not afraid to admit that I read women's magazines. Why? As any military advisor will tell you, to win battles you must know your enemy. Understand how they think by learning their customs, beliefs, religions and philosophies. The problem with this analogy is that the female mind is not predictable. Men thrive on the predictability of the world. We know that when we turn the key, the car engine will turn over and start. We know that when you back up you turn the wheel in the opposite direction. We know that when fuel ignites under pressure the piston is forced down turning the crankshaft which in turn spins the transmission and eventually the wheels. We know these things because they are predictable. The reason that men have so much trouble understanding women is that they are not predictable. Even in the same situation women will react in 2 different ways in as many times. or a hundred times.


I'll use a story to break it down. I was in the shower and used the last of my shampoo. Now I have two options at this point. The first option is to place the empty bottle back on the shelf in the shower. Now by past experience I know this to be the wrong choice. However, the only other option I can see is to lean out of the shower and toss the bottle into the trash can. Right? At this point the Wrongdoing Radar that resides in my wife's head triggers and causes her to decide to enter the bathroom and tell me that I am not to throw the bottle away in this trash can but in the main trash can downstairs when my shower is over. Now my male mind is desperately searching for the logic in this coarse of action and directs my mouth and vocals cords to ask the question, “Then why do we have a trash can in the bathroom then?” to which the unpredictable mind of my wife answers, “just in case we need to throw anything away.” I rest my case.




Men are simple. I do not mean unintelligent. I mean that men see the world in black and white, one way or the other. As I said before men want the world to be predictable. When it isn't it throws them off balance. That's why women confound them so. For instance, when a woman talks to a man about a problem she is having, she only wants someone to listen. As the man listens to the problem, he is not listening for support, he is listening to try to formulate a plan to correct the problem. He is looking for a solution to help the woman,however, she does not want this, she only wants to be able to voice the problem to someone who will listen.


Also men have a primal nature that women do not understand. It is th primal subconscious need to have a harem. Yes, I said harem. Meaning that the instinct of a man drives him to have more than one woman. Look in the animal kingdom, most primates which are our closest relatives, have a social structure that dictates that a dominant male mate with more than one female, usually several. Now in our social structure, we have another factor that comes with a higher intelligence,religion. Religion dictates morales and ethics and those lead to rules and laws. So as we can see in most men this instinct is suppressed. I do not believe that they should not be suppressed. I believe, however, that women would do well to understand this. Men will always have a straying eye, not because we do not cherish the woman we have but that it is instinct.


Now on the other side of the coin you have the women that naturally tend to group together. When have you ever had a group of women that were together for any length of time that do not take sides and develop clicks? Clicks that many times tend to be hostile towards one another. I have supervised people for many years and I have never found this aspect to not be true.


See? Now I have shown you where men have the instinct to develop a harem and women tend to naturally group together. I think we would get along much better once we understand these instinctive natures that we possess.




Although I have stated earlier that you must know thine enemy, the advantage that kids have over you is that the simple act of reading highlights or a ranger rick magazine does not benefit you in the least. So how do you get kids to do what you want with the least amount of hassle? The same way you get a politician to do what you want. Bribery. Luckily for me my kids are chocolate milk addicts. All I have to do is bring out the Ovaltine and they instantly become mindless zombies to carry out my bidding. Even when that bidding tends to be at the detriment or embarrassment of their mother. For instance, recently we were all at Walmart when I came across one of those whoopee cushions that have the sponge in them so that they inflate back up when they are released. Now after promising chocolate milk to my little addicts, I instructed them to take the cushion and sneak up behind their mother and squeeze it behind her. I then sprinted a couple of aisles over to await what happened next. I was not disappointed as I heard the wettest nastiest sounding fart noise I had ever heard that did not come from me that was then followed by resounding chorus of 3 shrill voices yelling, “MOM!!! YOU FARTED!!”. Bwahahahahahah. Excellent.


What were you thinking?


I screw up all the time. I have very rarely ever put anything together that didn't take a couple of tries to get right. Once I put together a BBQ grill and I was so proud that it only took one try I was bragging to my wife about it. All she did was point out that the handle with the brand name was upside down. Damn it. Another time I was trying to spice up the bedroom a little and bought some nipple clips. She wasn't impressed, however. When I came out of the bathroom with the clips on my nipples. All she had to say was, “What are you doing? Those are supposed to keep the chips fresh.”


My wife possesses more common sense and wisdom than anyone I have ever met. So her mistakes are few and far between but when she does, not only is it big, but many times extremely entertaining. Here are 3 of her best moments:


The Neighborhood Flasher -One morning she walked me out to the van while I was leaving for work at about 4:30 AM. She was wearing a nightgown that is about mid thigh in length. As I was pulling out of the driveway, she was walking up the steps of the front porch and decided to just give me a little flash of her butt by flipping up the back of her gown. I didn't mind at all but I was not sure about the guy across the street sitting on his porch smoking a cigarette. I quickly grabbed the cell phone to call and tell her. I was finally able to tell her about the guy across the street around my laughter but my merriment erupted anew when I heard the blinds crinkle open as she exclaimed, horrified “Oh my GOD!!”


The Yuletide Electrician -One year she decided that she wanted to put some Christmas lights up in the window of the apartment we were living in at the time. After plugging in the string of lights and making sure they worked she proceeded to tack them to the inside of the window frame with a staple gun. Yes, a staple gun. Metal. Conductor. She received a shock that the energizer bunny would have envied. Well at least it was only 110.



Menthol Mayhem -Recently my oldest daughter had a pretty bad cold and my wife bought some of those vaporizers that just have a little menthol sponge in them and plug in to the wall outlet like an air freshener. Knowing that the wall socket and vaporizer would be right by my daughter's head while she slept she decided that only half of the sponge should be put in at a time. Wrestling with the sponge she finally was able to tear it apart and put the other half back in the package. Feeling the need to go pee she did not think about the menthol oil still on her hands that rubbed off onto the toilet paper and then on to her crotch. It didn't take long for her to begin thinking about it as the heat set in prompting her to rush back to the bathroom for a washcloth. I just wish I could have seen her face. I think it would have been priceless.



...and there you have the first volume of the Life of Brian.

Uploaded 05/10/2008
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