My Weight

I have two problems. One is I like to cook and the other is I like to eat what I cook. My doctor recently asked me during a checkup what I liked about being fat. Hmmm That’s a good question. Well my clothes fit me right now. It’s pretty easy to maintain. Women are not knocking on my door at all hours of the night anymore. Man, was that a drag. Anything smaller than a mac truck is not going to knock me off my feet and anything thrown at me instantly goes into orbit around me.

What do I not like about it? Well for one thing Chinese owners of restaurants give you the evil eye when you walk up to their buffet line. After awhile they start hanging around your table tapping their foot and looking at their watch. At this point I usually say to them that this is an all-you-can-eat-buffet. They promptly reply, "but you be heya fo owa!!" while holding up four fingers in my face "You leaf now fat man. Leaf some fo edda gests! We make no munee tonight aweady!! You leaf, you no come back!" I decided I could have some fun with this guy since I already looked the part, a lawyer. "Well you know in one of my court proceedings," I drolled out in my thickest southern accent "We sued a restaurant owner because technically ’all you can eat’ refers to the amount one can eat in a lifetime, unless you have the disclaimer "at one sitting" or "per visit". My client was awarded free food for life at that establishment." I felt bad though because after that the little guy got an extremely horrified look on his face, eyes rolling back in his head and passed out right on the floor. He hit hard too. Well I was finished there anyway and decided to leave. I was nice though and handed them a fan that was too high on the wall for them to reach so they could give the guy a little air. It’s been six months, do you think they still remember me?

My Wife

You know you all feel sorry for my wife and all but you have to understand that she is the meanest women to ever walk the earth. I could be laying at the foot of the stairs with a broken leg and all she would have to say is, "You Wuss! Get up! I carried all three of your kids in my body for nine months, all you can talk about is how bad your leg hurts? The skins not even broken! Jeez! You are SO dramatic!"

She is really tough too. She had c-sections with all three girls and was so calm she helped the doctor sew her belly up and ate a piece of pizza at the same time...no wait that was me eating the pizza. The doctor sure was pissed when the dominoes guy came in but hey, a guys got to eat. The next day I had to yell at her because she was up CLEANING HER ROOM! I told her I was not paying the hospital a thousand dollars a day so they could skimp on their building maintenance duties. Like I said, she is tougher than nails and meaner than a dog shittin’ tacks.

My Family

Well at least her family is pretty nice. My family gets along like a sack full of cats. I haven’t talked to anyone in my family except my dad for about 6 years. My two older sisters, my mom and grandmother are some of the most vile, conniving, vicious, ruthless, greedy group of bitches I have ever met. Once you get past that they are OK, I guess. Of course, all these wonderful traits are hidden under the pretense of being members of the upstanding religious community. I don’t get along with them because I don’t play their games and have my own mind that will not be swayed by the likes of them and they can’t stand that. They don’t like my wife for the same reason. The last straw was when I told them that I didn’t give a rats ass if the earth opened up and dropped them into the ninth level of hell. I don’t need them in my life, I have my own family to worry about and care for. I do not need or want the kind of drama that they thrive on. Well at least I save a few bucks on Christmas and birthday cards.

My dad calls me about once a week or so to let me know who died, who went to jail and "who’s screwin’ who".A few weeks ago he called me and was telling me how well Viagra worked. He got into way more detail than I wanted to hear. Especially when he started to quote the Kama Sutra. Damn. You just can’t unthink some visuals. Great. More therapy.