Life of Brian Volume IV

One of the strangest places we ever lived was in Gentry, Arkansas. Not because of the location was it strange but because of the neighbors we lived near.


We had a neighbor that lived next door to us that was really one of the strangest neighbors I have ever had. He was an alcoholic and was married to a woman named Leona. Now according to him he met Leona while he was driving a truck. She was a lot lizard. For those of you who do not know what that is, I'll explain it to you. She was a prostitute that frequented truck stops and rest areas predominantly servicing truck drivers. Wow what a catch right? Ellis would always want to come over and talk to me whenever they had a fight which was about twice or three times a week. When he would talk to you, he would start out looking up in the air with his nose crinkled up and stutter uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh for about 20 seconds until he got started. I was really kind of mean to the guy but he just got on my nerves really bad. And for you that know me that takes quite a bit. Jenn and I used to pick up and sell walnuts in the late summer to sell for extra money. One day while he was on one of his drinking binges and was passed out for most of the day, I went over in to his yard and picked up all the walnuts. The tree he had produced some of the biggest walnuts I have ever seen about the size of a baseball or bigger with the husk still on. They were so big that they left a dent in the ground where they fell out of the tree. When he recovered the next day he saw me outside by my truck and asked me if I saw anyone in his yard because someone had picked up all the walnuts there and he could see where all the dents were showing where all the walnuts had been . I told him "No I didn't see anyone else over there", which technically wasn't a lie since I really didn't see anyone else there except me. "I bet it was those damn squirrels that I'm always seeing over there in your yard", I said while standing in front of my truck which just happened to be heaping full of walnuts. He said, "oh yeah, I bet they got then piled up somewhere" He left and started searching around his shed for them.

The Cat Caper

Like I said before I was kind of mean to Ellis. He had three cats. They always got in our trash which really pissed me off and I vowed to my wife that I was going to fix that problem. The first was by accident as in I accidentally ran over one of them because it was under my truck when I pulled out of the driveway. However I picked it up and threw it out in the street to make it look like someone else ran over it.. I worked with a lady that asked me if I knew where she could get a couple of cats that were already litter box trained for her kids to have. I told her I would fix her right up. I think you know whats coming. I told her to give me a couple of days and I would call her. Sure enough within a couple of days Ellis was on a drinking binge and I sneaked over and stole his cats and put them in a crate and took them to the lady for her kids. I know its terrible but I solved my trash problem and I really don't think he took care of them very well which is probably the reason that they were in the trash in the first place. A few days later he asked me if I had seen them and I truthfully told him that the last time I saw them was a few days ago.

Bicycling to Brawls

During one of the many fights that Ellis and Leona had she decided to leave him and went to live with some of her family in Oklahoma City which was about 4 hours away and took their only car. Genius boy decided that he could ride his bike there and left to "go get her" I didn't see him for about a week and I thought he might have actually made it but when he got home he told me that he had only gotten as far as a bar in the next town over and gotten drunk, mouthed off to someone and gotten beat up so bad he was in the hospital for three days.

The snooping neighbors

Now we had some neighbors that lived directly across the street from us that for some odd reason thought that we were the most interesting people because they watched us constantly. To give you an idea of how much they watched us they would point out any deviations in our normal routine. I guess you have to have a really boring life to watch me all day. They even thought that my wife was having an affair with my dad! My dad worked in Gentry and would stop by a couple of times a week and visit with her and see my oldest daughter which was the only one at the time.

Baby Monitor Affair

Across the street on the north side was a couple that we didn't know very well. I don't even think that I ever knew their names. However one night when putting my daughter to bed, I turned on the baby monitor and began to hear some of the most sexually explicit dialog I have ever heard coming from the baby monitor. I heard it several more times before I realized that it was coming form the neighbors cordless phone. Yikes! She was explaining her sexual preferences to the guy that she was having an affair with while her husband was at work.

The Dog Lover

On the northeast corner of the crossroad that we lived on there was a bed and breakfast that was owned by a couple probably in their mid forties. We had a little Pomeranian named Rocky that looked just like a red fox. He was dark ginger colored on his back and sides and a snow white belly. He really was a very pretty dog.. His only vice was that he really liked to eat cat turds. I mean really liked them. We also had a cat and Rocky would raid the litter box. He would walk by and it sounded like he was chewing up a jaw breaker. Anyway this lady was one of those people who liked to "kiss dogs back" letting them lick her face and she would lick back and stuff. It was really gross on the best of days but one time Rocky ran to her after being outside and she did the normal slobber swapping routine with him. As I was talking to her I noticed that Rocky was panting and I could see the cat shit still in all the crevices of his tongue and stuff. I couldn't bring myself to tell her.

Wife Injures Would Be Thief

Before we lived in Gentry Arkansas, we lived in an apartment complex in a town called Siloam Springs. My wife worked nights and I worked days. Her friends would frequently stop by sometimes late at night to chat and one night like many other the door bell rang. When she opened the door there was this Mexican guy that instantly tried to come in the door! He stuck his arm inside and Jennifer promptly slammed it in the door again and again. The guy was howling at the top of his lungs and she just kept slamming his arm in the door screaming like a banshee. The guy finally got away and screamed all the way down the street. It wouldn't surprise me if she broke the guys arm. We filed a police report and the policeman said they would check all the emergency rooms for him.

Uploaded 05/10/2008
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Tags: funny life brian