Lost control....

Seems like I met my match yesterday, and I'm still unsure how things are going to pan out... but one thing is for sure.... it's not in my hands anymore.


Today I put my foot down in the hopes of saving my relationship, or at least be heard, understood, and taken seriously.   


Two of the most important aspects of any healthy relationship are Communication and Trust.  Two things my bf doesn't have for me in the least. 


Yesterday I went to my bf with a concern.  I know he gets pissed off pretty easily, so I worded my concerns carefully, and went about expressing them calmly and peacefully.  I said "Rob, we're going to have to sit down and figure out our financial situation so we can plan ahead better, and do some of the things we've been wanting to do for some time now......  I wish I wasn't always in the dark about our money and what you expect to happen in the next few months.... we plan on buying a car soon, and I'm not even sure what our budget is or what type of vehicle we're going to buy"    The response I got was not exactly as expected.  He immediately became very defensive and abrasive.  He raised his voice to tell me "What is there to talk about?   We need more money, we need to save, we need to cut down on spending... end of discussion."    he gave me a disgusted look that for some reason left me speechless.... I simply sank back into my chair, dropped the subject, and worried about our future to myself.

Later on the guy who was giving me a ride into work, thought it would be awesome to send me a flirtatious text message, after I had already rejected him. ... so of course now my bf is  %100 convinced that I'm cheating on him.  I haven't... never will.... and never personally gave him a reason to think I ever had or would.  In fact... I already told him about this guy, and how he wasn't going to give me a ride to work anymore because of his advancements... but apparently that's not enough.  This isn't the first time someone has hit on me, during this relationship.... it's actually happens alot... but whenever it isn't an incredibly old guy - he accuses me of cheating with whomever it is that hit on me.  And there's no persuading him.... he doesn't care that I didn't even cheat on my unwanted ex with him, even though I knew it was going to end.... he doesn't care that the only time I ever cheated on anyone was with someone who dumped me because of commitment issues, and decided to take me back after a week (I cheated on him after he took me back, and I knew things were not going to work out... we eventually split up mutually) .... and even that was when I was younger and much more naive.  He doesn't care that I've done nothing but worship the ground he walks on since we started dating.... all of that flies right out the window as soon as a married father of a new born asks me if I'd like to have sex with him...


And there's no talking to him... at all.  I asked him "you know I wouldn't do anything to you right?" and he laughed... as if I have a past of being unfaithful, and have whore tattooed across my forehead.  He also refuses to talk about money all together.  He usually just shuts down and ignores me at the sign of that type of discussion, or he gets pissed off and then ignores me.  I hardly ever know how much money we have... and when I tried to save up some money on my own, because he didn't want to talk about it... it was spent before I even knew it, and he can't tell me what happened to it.  According to the budget I do, we should have extra money each week, but we never do.. I know im missing something somewhere, but can't find out what, especially when the one who spends everything would rather keep me in the dark than to talk about it.


Today I tell him how I feel about this.  I'm not going to try and avoid an argument... no more stepping on egg shells.  But even after that, it's up to him to make a decision... it's not up to me to make him change... it's up to him......  I'm scared... upset... but more than anything - fed up.  Relationships need communication and trust in order to work in the long term.... if that's what he wants... i dunno anymore.


Usually every morning he'll give me a kiss before he leaves to work, this time he was half way out the door when I caught him, and told him that I loved him.... he didn't say it back.  I dunno... :(



Uploaded 07/13/2010
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