When God created woman, He crossed a dung beetle with a cow and got this cute little thing with tits that runs around looking for shit all day.

A recent survey asked 100 sexually active men what they most enjoyed about a blow job. 99.9% of them said, "the 10 minutes of silence"!

Advantages of having an affair with a married woman?
They give like hell. They do not yell. They do not tell. They do not swell and there is no wedding bell.

The factory where women are made has been found: It's called "Fatties and Moanies".

Women have to be more beautiful than smart, 'cos men see better than they think.

Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards. You need:
a HEART to love him,
a DIAMOND to marry him,
a CLUB to smash his fucking head in, and
a SPADE to bury the bastard!

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why is the part between the bottom of a woman's boobs and the top of her vagina called 'a waist'?
A: Because you could easily fit another set of tits in there!

Q: What's the definition of a gynaecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most other people find pleasure!

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children!

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning and become tasteless and shapeless later.

Q: What is the strongest muscle?
A: The tongue. It can raise a woman's hip with just one lick!

Q: Why is the 69 position like driving in rush hour?
A: The asshole is always in front of you.

Q: What is the difference between a panty & a stage curtain?
A: When you pull down the stage curtain, the show is over... but when you pull down the panties, it's SHOWTIME!

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party. Later after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and asks him: "So... how do you like using second hand stuff?"
The new husband replied: "It isn't that bad. Past the first three inches,
it's all brand new."

A lady bought her ex a present for his birthday.
He opened it and said, "What the hell do I want with a rocket?"
She said, "You wanted space... now fuck off!"

It's funny how, as we get older, our priorities change. The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing beside the bed, dressed in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope.
"Tie me up and you can do anything you want", she purred.
So I tied her up and went fishing.

Relationships are sometimes difficult to handle.
It's like a full time job, and we should treat it as one: if your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, he/she should give you two weeks notice and, they should organize you a TEMP!!!!