(I typed these all out from one of his books. Bold and italics are for emphasis. Enjoy.)

I only respect horoscopes that are specific: "Today, Neil Perleman, wearing tight-fitting wool knickers will kill you on the crosstown bus."

The bigger they are, the worse they smell.

Satan is cool.

A meltdown sounds like fun. Like some sort of cheese sandwich.

No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring his bell just before the dog salivated.

A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate?

I never watch "Sesame Street"; I know most of that stuff.

The status quo always sucks.

When you cut the legs off jeans to make cutoffs, don't you feel foolish for just a moment as you stand there holding two useless denim legs?

A fast car that passes you at night is going somewhere.

I recently had a ringing in my ear. The doctors looked inside and found a small bell.

Why is it the other side of the street always crosses the street when I do?

My phone number is seventeen. We got one of the early ones.

Imagine meeting your maker and finding out it's Frito-Lay.

Sometimes I can't recall my mental blocks. So I try not to think about it.

Did you ever notice how important the last bite of a candy bar is? All the while you're eating it, you're aware that you have less and less remaining. Then, as you get to the end, if something happens to that last piece, you feel really cheated.

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

The lazy composer had several scores to settle.

At what point in his journey does an emigrant become an immigrant?

We have mileage, yardage, and footage, why don't we have inchage?

Every time you use the phrase "all my life", it has a different meaning.

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

A cemetery is a place where dead people live.

"Let's stop underage drinking before it start." Explain this to me. It sounds tricky.

Threatening postcard: "Wish you were here, but if you come here I will kill you!"

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

They say that if you outlaw guns, only outlaws and criminals will have guns. Well shit, those are precisely the people who need them.

One of the best expressions in the English language is "Who says so?" I guarantee, if you keep saying "Who says so?" long enough, sooner or later someone will take you into custody.

I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination.

"Meow" means "Woof" in cat.

What year did Jesus think it was?

If you live to be a hundred, your lucky number goes up by one.

George Washington's brother was the Uncle of our Country.

Politics is so corrupt, even the dishonest people get fucked.

When you pick up something with your toes and transfer it to your hand, don't you feel, just briefly, like a superior creature? Like you could probably survive alone in a forest for a long time?

Don't you get tired of these cereal commercials where they show the milks being poured in slow motion and it splashes off a raspberry?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that, apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy. Second is not all that bad.

E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word "farm".

Recent polls reveal that some people have never been polled. Until recently.

Sometimes, when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

Life is a near-death experience.