Dirty Sanchez is abstaining from masturbation. I feel sorry for him. If you are a guy it can be hard...no... difficult to keep from jerkin' the gherkin.

That got me thinking of porn. Actually, many things get me thinking of porn. Hot baristas, a bra ad in the Sunday Times, a photo of Mya Angelou, the smell of cole slaw, gum...

Here are some things porn has taught me about sex:

*No matter how old the model, if you give her pigtails and have her make a pouty face you can put it in the 'barely legal' catagory. Crows feet? Old-lady fuzz face? No... she's young. She has pigtails!

*Every session of sex should involve a blowjob, cunilingus, anal penatration and should always, I mean ALWAYS, end with the man spurting on the woman's face.

*Chicks LOVE getting plowed in the pooper. Even if they wince in obvious pain, they LOVE it!

*Chicks LOVE it when you spoodge on their face. They don't want you to wear a condom. They expect that when you eat tuna, you'll want to give them a side of tarter... in their eyelashes!

*Every guy has a bigger cock than I do.

Here are some things I've learned from strange porn:

*Midgets look funny naked!

*When letting a Doberman screw you, be sure to put gym socks on his forepaws so you don't get scratched.

*Some people are aroused by being peed on.

*No matter what your fettish, with determination, you can find porn of it.

*People from Germany and Japan are fucked up.

A couple parting thoughts:

*In the days of the 56K modem dial-up, let the photo load ALL THE WAY!

Young ugdork waiting for pic to load :"Oh yeah, she's a hot brunette. Look at that face! There's her neck, now her tits are loading. Man what nipples. Nice firm stomache. C'mon, load, hurry up. I'm gonna busta' nut. Belly button looks good. Nice trimmed bush and I'm cumming. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh GOD I'm cumming and her vagina is... a PENIS???!!!??? DAMN!"

Finally, one thing I have learned from computer porn... My mouse hand gets really cold!