As I was absorbing the gayness from the Phil Collins song that was being played at my dentist office, I had a sudden epiphony. Despite the fact that my heterosexuality was drowning in the vast array of Woman's Day Magazine articles and Phil Collins telling me, "You can't hurry love. No, you just have to wait," I am very fortunate.
Somewhere in the last 10 years, the music playlists at stores, resturaunts and waiting rooms has changed drastically. You would never dream of hearing classic rock songs while buying produce. You would have to bring a walkman to your table if you ever wanted to hear something modern at a resturaunt, and there is no way in hell you would ever hear any form of an electronic beat, loop, or sythesised sound in public.
Slow, painful, tortuous light music is what you would hear instead. Blow-hard women, who would hold every note 20 seconds too long, is all I would hear at the grocery store with my mom. At every public outing, I'd hear some over-the-top love song with lyrics so wholesome it made me want to puke. And it would be FUCKING EVERYWHERE. You couldn't escape it. If you didn't like that light station don't worry though. There's another light station that promises to play, "not too light, but not too heavy music." A perfect mix for your work day. Then you finally get the adult in charge of the radio to try the other, "not too light," station and guess what. THEY'RE PLAYING THE EXACT SAME GODDAMN SONGS.
Then one day, complete-shit music died. That's not to say that you won't occasionally hear a song you don't like. I don't like Jack Johnson, but I would much rather hear that while waiting in line, than Whitney Houston holding one word and changing the tone hundreds of times all within a span of two minutes and one breath. Thankfully, most public places give you the former.
So it is with great pride that I let my gums bleed and my ears be raped at the dentist's office. After all, it is only once every 6 months that I will have to endure 30 minutes of the most awful creation man has ever made. And it is every 6 months, that I get reminded that my teeth are filthy, and that society, at large, is making some small progress.