DISCLAIMER: These stories have happend to either me or my frriends and are factual for the most part. I embellished a few parts to make it more entertaining. Hope you enjoy! - Mrturnerrules
So last night my girlfriend went to the bar for ladies night with her friends. It was one of those "ladies nights" where the girls drink free till 2am or something like that. Bars do this supposedly to get more girls to come to their establishment in order to lure more guys into the bar. It is probably the most annoying thing on the planet if you are a guy because if you are going there to pick up women, you still have to buy them a drink. It's not like you could say, "Hey beautiful, why don't you get yourself a free drink on me and then talk with me for a while while i stare at your breasts." I girl would piss on you for that. Either way, the bar makes out like a bandit. I'm sure jesse jackson could bring a sexual descrimination case into this some how.....anyway....... She goes to the bar and gets hammered. Around 2:30 in the morning i get "The Phone Call.":
I answer the phone and I can hear her cussing someone out like a rabbid sailor and I can hear her friend in the background desperately pleading with her to stop the madness. There is also at least 2 male voices talking to her at the same time. I'm thinking im gonna have to get my ass outa bed and go get this drunk bitch before someone else does. The I hear her say "When my boyfriend gets here he is gonna kick your asses! He is a UFC fighter and he has guns too! Fuck the police!"
I hang up without talking to her and head over to the bar. There are a million things running through my head at this point. Was she infact talking to the police during her drunken tirade? Why the hell would she tell people that I'm an UFC fighter? What on earth possessed her to tell someone that I have guns?
The reality is im 6'1'' 176lbs data entry manager in Boca Raton, Florida. I have never been able to do a pull-up, I have never attempted to do a cart wheel even as a child because of the fear i have. My favorite beer is Mich. Ultra and I hate sports but Love WOW.
Now that you are throughly impressed with me i will continue......
I get to the bar, hop out of my jetta, and see her standing by the door of the bar cussing out a group of cops....wait let me count em....1 ..2..3..4..9 police officers....9 cops to handle two 20-something girls? that doesnt make any sense. Her friend is sitting on the curb a few feet away balling......this girl always cries.......shes way hot.....but totally a cryer.....like that daisey chick with the mega lips from Rock of Love ( "Bwet!" ).
(Now, the bar closed at 2am, Its now 2:45am. I found out after the whole ordeal that there were only 2 cops in the begining and all they were doing was clear out the bar at 2am. They saw my girlfriend and the sobber in tow and were trying to tell them that they have had too much to drink and need to call someone to pick them up. My girlfired, shitfaced, got mad and thats what started this whole cluster fuck.)
As I start to head over to what I know is going to be her eventual lynching, I see her throw her fists out to the side and scream. It wasn't just any scream, it was one of those "Please don't make me angry" incredible hulk power up screams. This sent me into a blunder of sorts....i have never seen this behavior out of her....we have been together for about 4 years.....this was totally new to me.....
The next chain of events will never leave my psyche as long as I live.
The scream was followed by her lunging forward and launching a golfball sized glob of expectorent into the lead officers face. The she turns slightly and sees me walking over and shouts, "My boyfriends here, now you fuckin pigs will be sorry!!"
Before my brain had a chance to finish processing what just happened, a shitstorm of blue uniforms was grinding me into the concrete. 4 or 5 officers had teleported from the doorway of the bar and reappeared with me underneath them. I have no freaken clue what just happend. All i know is I hurt all over. Cutting to the chase, I'm rolled onto my stomach, my arms are twisted in such a way that i doubt they will ever work the same again. Im cuffed, searched and thrown in the back of a squad car. My girlfriend sinks to the floor and has now joined her dumbass friend sobbing as an officer is trying to arrest her too......Apparently, spitting on a cop is called "Assaulting an officer" in the state of florida and is a felony....nice.....
After they quarantine each of us in our very own squad car, they run ID's talk on their radios, and play a round of parcheese. I get pulled out of the car, im uncuffed and they ask me where the guns are.
What guns? I dont own any guns?
Well your little lady over there said you were a UFC fighter and you were bringing guns. Thats why we called in the backup.
.......Now all the dots have been connected in my mind......
Do i look like a UFC fighter? The only things i fight are Level 6 Orcs on WOW. I explain in detail what i have experienced so far this night. I beg them to let my stupid drunk girlfriend off the hook because is a functioning autistic and can't help it. They let the 2 of us go, We get in my car and drive home.
The fucked up part was that my girlfriend and her gal pal rode in my girls car to the bar. which we left there to be picked up the next day......what we didnt realize was that we left the girl there too. Come to find out, she had passed out on the bench there, we didnt notice, the cops didnt notice, and at about 6am, there she was, knocking on my front door. She slept on the fucken bench the whole night and walked to my apartment about 6 blocks away at 5am. 6 blocks took her an hour.
this just goes to show you that even when you try to have a quiet night at home cuz you talked your girl into going out by herself, women still ruin everything!
Next time i will write about the time she started crynig during sex because it was "Beautiful and I can feel our souls touching"
life hates me.