Tomlet, you were right....   I really should keep my doors locked.

Here I was sitting on my floor, when someone slammed my computer shut and advised me not to look at lard's profile.    Good thing, because despite the monitor being closed I could almost see the retched smell of old chinese bullet seap from my computer. I tried to look up, to see who it was, but all I could see was a huge, hairy, white blob with ketchup chips stuck to by what appeared to be nacho cheese.  Startled and queezy, I tried to stand up.    The thing stepped forward with a thunderous step, blocking my way up, only for me bounce off it and slam back onto the floor.     In the thump and residual vibrations a fork fell off of my kitchen counter.  Like a ninja, I spotted it out of the corner of my eye, and did a crab walk dash to retrieve it.    With fork in hand, I leaped to my feet.   Fork raised above my head,  I let out a war cry and went running towards what I now noticed to be a REALLY fat man.    Just as I was about to stab this mighty beast he grabbed my arm.   Me, still clenching the fork was astounded that something so huge could move so fast!   He turned my hand so the fork was pointed upwards.  I thought he was going to turn it on me,  instead, in a somewhat humble stride, he reached under one of his folds, grabbed a bucket of KFC, selected a small piece and shoved it onto my fork.  It was almost magical....     "Are ... you  ...  gonna ...... eat that?" he asked.    

At this point I had tears in my eyes, from both the smell and the sense that surprise buttsecks was bound to happen.    I dropped the fork, and closed my eyes tightly... admitting defeat.   Something greasy touched my cheek.  In between gasps of air, he explained  "It's ok,  I am lard_infamous,  now... are you going to eat that?"    "No..."  I whimpered, "You can have it".    I watched in amazement as he sat down on the ground and tried to reach for disgarded drumstick.  He grunted, and almost rolled over trying to reach for it.    I could see that he was having a really hard time.   So I picked the chicken up, and held it before him.   We went to reach for it, and yanked it away.  "First, tell me, why are you here.  Why are you ruining my life?!" ,  I'm sure he could see the anguish in my eyes, because for a second he stopped stareing at the chicken, and looked at me.   "I need your help"  He replied, and went back to drooling for the drumstick.   I handed it to him, and he devowered it, fork and all, in a single bite.     "Help with what exactly?.... Wait a minute... Why should I help you?"  I said with a disgusted dirty look on my face.  "We have something in common...."       "Uh..." as I looked him over  "No we don't... now get..."  He interrupted me,  "It's wallboy,  he's stolen something very dear to me, and I need your help to find justice.".  His eyes were starting to water as he blubbered   " *sniff* He stole my pizza *sniff* " .  I could see how much food meant to him, and he was right... we both hate wallboy.  So despite still being angry, I agreed.

We needed a game plan.    So he sat down on my couch,  and I sat on the little step up stool that I use to reach the top cabnets,  and we got down to business.   Of course lard was hungry so we had a snack.     "Glass of pop?" I asked.   "No.." he said "I have a hard time with cups... fingers are too big."   so I took a mug full from the 2L bottle, and he took the rest.  Of course his fingers were too big to twist open the cap, so he just bit it off (and swollowed it) and just chugged back the rest of the 2L.   He apologized and offered to buy me another one - I declined.   So together we brainstormed about wallboy's flaws and what we could do about it, and then the light bulb went off in my head.   "Wait, to do any of this to wallboy, we have to catch him first don't we?" I asked.   He nodded and then stood up (took him about 45 seconds but he did it) lifted up his man boob, and to my surprise, a skinny, skiddish, old fuck, fell out of his folds!   

A little disoriented, the creepy looking dude brushed himself off.     "There's wallboy"  lard said in a child like mocking tone.  Meanwhile wallboy was glancing around the room with his big buldging eyeballs.    At that moment one of my cats, Lulu, peaked around the corner to see what was going on.    Wallboy's eyes lit up, as he proceeded to chase after her yelling "PUSSY PUSSY!".     I looked to lard, with a dumbfounded expression.   He explained "Wallboy hasn't had pussy since him and his son went halfsies on a prostitute in Las Vegas....  he's lost sense of what pussy really is through all the teenage lingo and euphamisims he's picked up over the years."   Meanwhile, wallboy was trying to crawl under my tv stand.  Still dumbfounded, I grabbed my fly swatter, snuck up, and tapped him on the head.   Knocked his delicate ass out cold.    Lardy swept him up and tucked him back into his folds.    "You're right... we can't have this retard going around molesting pets..... we need to do something about this".   He agreed.   Suddenly some greenish, white, lumpy, and wormy substance started to trickle down lard's belly.    I knew exactly what it was, from my leg humping experience, but I didn't know if lard did.   Before I could warn him not to eat it, an overwhelming toxic fume swept over me and I passed out...  I'm not too sure what happened next.