If you're a girl... and your profile background features floating animated hearts... cut that shit out. It was cute for 30 seconds, but now it makes me want to stab Bambi in the eye with a sharpened #2 pencil.

If you're a guy... and your profile background features floating animated hearts... you might as well replace them with little floating animated dicks.

If you're a girl.... and you proudly display your ample cleavage but not one of your photos shows you from below the waist... you are lying in the part of your profile that says, "I enjoy exercise."

If you're a girl... and your main profile pic is of you and a guy... he is your boyfriend and you are really in love.

If you're a guy... and your main profile pic is of you and a girl... she is NOT your girlfriend. She is that hot girl that put you in the Friend Zone and the only reason you posted that picture is because you think it will make other girls jealous but instead it makes other girls think you are pathetic.

If you're a guy... and you pose without a shirt... you are insecure but you think your body will impress the girls... but instead girls think you are pathetic.

If you're a girl... and you pose without a shirt... you are insecure but you think your body will impress the guys... and it works. Because guys are pathetic.

If you're a girl... and any of your pics show you squeezing body parts that must legally remained covered in a movie theater... you're a whore.

If you're a girl... and in any of your pics you are wearing high heels but you're definitely not dressed to leave your bedroom... you're a whore.

If you're a girl... and any of your pictures feature you sticking out your ass and turning around to leer at the camera... you're a whore.

If you're a guy... and any of your pictures feature you sticking out your ass and turning around to leer at the camera... your profile background probably features floating animated hearts.

If you're under 15 and in any of those poses... you're a W.I.T.

NOTE: W.I.T. = Whore In Training

If you're a girl... and all your pictures are from your recent wedding... you're really fucking annoying.

If you're a guy... and all your pictures are from your recent wedding... you're really fucking whipped... and your wife is really fucking annoying.

If your main photo is a dog, a sunset, a celebrity or anything other than a picture of yourself... you think you are hideously unattractive. But listen, "hideous" is a very strong word. And so is "monstrous." Use either.

If you're a guy... and you list your favorite music as Madonna, Cher, or Lance Bass... you should change your profile background to feature little animated hearts.

If you listed your favorite music as "I like everything!"... then you are a big fucking liar. Because NO BODY likes Kevin Federline's crappy songs.

If all your profile pictures are of you as a little child... then you have a face that only a mother could love. But obviously not YOUR mother since it looks like she pushed your fat head into a toilet bowl full of battery acid.

If under Favorite Books you wrote-in even more of your favorite TV shows... then scoop that lumpy mushy thing out of your head because the inside of your skull would be better used to store your keys and cell phone.

If under Favorite Books you wrote: "Us Weekly"... you should immediately set your microwave to "baked potato" and stick your head inside for 60 seconds.

If you have a MySpace page... in 2016 you will be reminiscing with your friends, "Hey, remember back-in-the-day when everyone had an iPod, wore t-shirts with obnoxious slogans and had a, (tee-hee-hee) MySpace page! HA HA HA! That was so gay!

You'll be saying that while wearing one of those new animated t-shirts with the little floating dicks on it.