Myths about my father

I have always been very fotunate in the sense that, while he isn't my biological father, the man my mother married has always loved me as his own and I he to the point where I've never bothered introducing him as a step father and just call him "my dad."


He has always been a very athletic person, and is skilled at just about anything you can imagine from bullseyeing you with a Nerf dart gun from around a corner to inspiring fear in a grown adult that outweighs him by a hundred pounds and realistically should have no reason to be afraid of this guy (*raises hand*).


His attention to detail and ability to perform any task presented to him above and beyond any expectations has led my sisters and I to come up with a larger-than-life image of our father that puts the guy in the Old Spice commercials to shame.  In this blog, I will attempt to illustrate exactly how we envision our father, a tired and overworked old man who will do anything for his kids and is one of the coolest guys you could ever know.


-While discussing the possibility of a shark attack during a trip to the beach, it was concluded that I would be safe because, were a shark to actually attack me, our father would swim out and rescue me.  This would be done while smoking a cigarette, and once he had gotten me to safety he would swim back out to fight the shark.  Still smoking, of course.


-One of my sisters once fainted from heat exhaustion.  She was inside when it happened, and the middle sister saw it happen.  At first, she called for our mother, but then yelled for dad, who was there to help her in mere seconds.  In the retelling, he was out in the barn in our back yard when it happened, heard her faint, and was inside to help before the other one could even finish calling his name, all while still smoking a cigarette.


-We have theorized that many movies are based loosely on the character of our father.  This includes Jason Statham's character in the Transporter movies and Liam Neeson's character in the movie Taken.  This is based on his infallible ability to successfully navigate any vehicle in even the most inclement weather (like when he power-slid our 1990 Astro Van into a parking space between two other cars IN A SNOW COVERED PARKING LOT, scaring the shit out of an at-the-time 15 year old Garadain, all while holding a cigarette between his lips).  If any of us were ever kidnapped, he would lead the 1-man man hunt to track us down and retrieve us, just like in the movie Taken.


-One time, I was helping the old man trim some tree branches using a pole clipper he'd borrowed from our grandparents.  At one point, the clipper got stuck and the pole came apart, leaving the top half stuck in the tree.  So he did exactly what I should have expected him to do: constructed a large stick using materials found in our barn to poke and jab at the thing until it fell from the tree.  My laughter was only compounded by the fact that he kept telling me to shut up, how much effort he put in to constructing his poking/retrieval stick, and the fact that he did it all while smoking a cigarette.


I know these are only a few examples, but hopefully they give you an idea of the sort of super hero we have made him out to be.  Hopefully they're good for a few laughs as they have been for my sisters and I.



Uploaded 11/20/2010
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