Network TV Gone Wrong

When I first heard Syfy channel would be included on the list of all-new networks emerging for satellite TV way back when, I couldn't have been happier. Like with the idea of hundreds of channels at your disposal, I figured then was the moment sitting through crap TV and receiving a real comprehensive list of film possibilities was the greatest thing ever.

Now it's like a decade later, and I don't even touch the television set for anything other than gaming. It started with 5 or 6 versions of the same few movie channels, playing the same few movies on a two-week loop. Then there was the introduction of reality TV, the majority of shows rendering basic network channels useless. And finally, there's always those 200 or so channels you have to automatically skip over since they're either in Spanish, SD versions of network stations, or completely bastardized creations.

That's what Syfy channel was since the beginning. I thought they'd be playing Star Trek on a regular basis. Show classic favorites at night like Star Wars, Alien, etc. Have an anime feature night focusing on mecha flair. But no. Nothing like this, from the beginning.

What do we get instead? Frankenfish. Arachnoquake. Sharktopus. Piranhaconda. And a slew of "original" shows that aren't really so. They even changed their old catchphrase - "if" was fucking perfect. The most comprehensive explanation of what the genre means in two letters - gone.

Slap one animal with another, add some bad script and horrible actors, and it's some epitome of Science Fiction innovation to these people. I guarantee the propensity behind these works involves post-its and a dart.

I could do this for a nickel and in my sleep. And I mean script as well. At least I'd try not to make them seem like serious fucking plots. Here's a few to get started:

1.  Octoturtle


Illegal dumping in a backwater town's swampland results in serious wildlife mutations. A giant, eight-legged turtle emerges from the moors and chomps on lost tourists, small children, and local hicks. It's up to a politically-correct duo of B-actors to isolate and subdue it before it reaches the village proper.

2.  Platypuff


Little Emily has just lost her father in a terrible auto accident. Lonely and confused, her mother takes her to Australia for a serious change of scenery and hope for a new beginning. Along comes a new, unexpected friend. Platypuff is a heartwarming, down-under romp for the entire family!

3.  Hi Ho Seahorse


Sit back and enjoy 40 never-before-seen lost episodes on a Lone Ranger spinoff series rejected by the networks. Hi Ho Seahorse is a tale of action, adventure, and magic featuring the original actors from Lone Ranger fame.

More to come, I'm sure!
Uploaded 09/14/2012
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