New Road Rules

Cops just suck on the road. When some asshole with a cell phone can't make a turn, or a chopper rider trails by like a leaking douche, they're nowhere to be found. But have a converter problem or a twisted seat belt and they're up your ass.

The cops probably suck because people suck. Especially on the road. People plain don't know how to drive. Some new rules and penalties for the road need to be imposed, and Officer rin is on it.


1.  In the event of a multi-space parker, all other vehicles will follow standard spacing rules to the end of the parking lane.

This means that whenever some asshole decides he's gonna take up two spots by parking over a line, all other drivers looking to park down the lane are to consider the spacing lines invisible. They will pull in next to said asshole's vehicle with the same amount of space between their cars as they would had the asshole parked normally. 

This will continue down the parking lane until no more vehicles can fit without crossing over into main traffic areas. Officers noticing the parking discrepancy will be instructed to locate the original asshole's vehicle that started the whole mess, and impose a ticket for a fine of $200.


2.  Corner-cutters get bent.

A proper left-hand turn at an intersection involves several steps:
1 - If no arrow, ensure you inch slowly into the intersection, awaiting your turn at the change of the light.
2 - Be sure you don't pull up enough to obscure the light itself, lest you leave yourself blind to its changing.
3 - Remember that the first two steps are meant for you to take as close to a 90-degree turn as possible when finally making that left.

Too often you can't pull up to the crosswalk in a left-hand turn lane because cross-traffic drivers seem to forget those steps. They'd just assume make their own left turns in a huge, lazy fucking arc that sends them cutting right through your lane. If you do manage to pull up to where you're supposed to (the crosswalk where you can actually see), you get pissed-off drivers with their heads hanging out their windows like dogs as they take it slow on the turn, all upset they have to be cautious drivers now.

Even in the worst traffic you should never cut a corner if you know how to properly operate a vehicle. Fact is these people just don't know how to drive. Corner-cutting is very dangerous and one of the marks of a stupid driver. Thus, a special spike-strip will be installed below the line at the crosswalk of every intersection.

The spike-sensor becomes active next to vehicles at rest during red lights. Any cross-traffic vehicle making their own left onto the street cannot be able to cut corners on their turn, or the protruding spike-strip will pop these assholes' tires.


3.  Red means stop, fucktard.

That means wait for the next light. In regards to the new traffic law above, cutting corners isn't the only thing you need to worry about from left-hand turners in cross-traffic.

These fuckers also like to take advantage of the lead driver in the intersection who's patiently waiting for the chance to make his turn, so they can stick to his ass and make a quick left themselves.

Only problem is there are like 5 of these fuckwads in a row with the same lame idea. The driver in the intersection is the one with the right to make his left on a yellow/red change. But right behind him is a second, third, even fourth  asshole in tow.

What ends up happening is a green light with no one able to proceed forward 'cuz these douches want to make a statement about how an arrow is needed.

I love it when straight traffic insists on driving when their light is green, and one of these left-hand guys ends up stuck in the middle of a very illegal turn on red. Then there's honking and screaming; more than once I've seen a turner stuck in the intersection since straight traffic has the green, decides to drive on it, and can't exactly go in reverse to allow these assholes room.

But in lieu of putting up with these pricks, this new law involves giving the first guy in line for straight traffic the right to exit his car, score a heavy hit on the stuck vehicle with a bat, and then return to his vehicle.

Deciding to take the risk of being the second guy making a left on a light change is one thing. Being third or more in line is just stupid. You're not gonna make it, and seeing as how you're dumb enough to get yourself stuck, you should probably feel lucky you only get a smashed headlight or cracked windshield instead of a semi T-boning you 50 ft. down the road. And what would a total loss be over? Your fucking impatience.

Any asshole driver not liking these new rules will have a chance to vocalize a grievance with my cousin, Judge rin-Judy Scheindlin. But that might warrant a double fine.


Uploaded 09/30/2012
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