Actually I slept about 8 hours last night. Theraflu knocked me on my ass. But ordinarily, sleep eludes me like pussy eludes most E-Baumers. I sleep anywhere from 2 to 4 hours most nights and it's starting to take its toll on me. I must say, however, that sleep is perpetually overrated. Having been a full fledged insomniac for years, I am delighted to pass along to you the following ways to make 22 hours seem full:
1. Alphabetize your underwear drawer by color.
2. Never EVER delete a voicemail. Not only will 2 plus months of messages fill up a few hours of your sleepless night, you get to relive all the joy that accompanied messages like this: "Hey. I know you said that I was toxic and you never wanted to speak to me again, but I'm in jail and no one will bail me out. Just thought I'd give it a shot. Late, man."
3. While you have your phone, call a random person who you barely know/haven't spoken to in years. One of two things will happen: (a) You will remember why you quit talking to that asshole or (b) the following conversation: "Hey." "Hey." "What have you been up to lately?" "Nothin. You?" "Nothin." DEAD SILENCE.
4. Freeze frame a Pilates DVD at exactly the point where the instructor looks like she is taking a shit, Laugh your ass off.
5. Make a sandwich that you don't intend to eat. Wrap it up and stick in in the fridge along with the other ones you make and keep around just in case you ever decide to eat lunch at work.
6. Rearrange the furniture in the living room so that all of the corners touch.
7. Clean one side of your countertop with bleach and the other with Windex and compare.
8. Watch the bonus footage on all Harry Potter movies.
9. Relax almost enough to fall asleep but then convince yourself that the stove or coffee pot is on.
10. Write blogs like this.
REMEMBER: At no point in your insomnia should you ever do anything productive. It defeats the purpose.
I'm Sheza and if you don't like Big Red gum, FUCK YOU!!!!!