Not so Merry Men

While people argue over Documentary filmmaker Michael Moore's films, many more read his books, and frequent his web page,

He's almost a better author than he is a filmmaker, and recently he blogged on his site about how happy he was to attend the baptismal for the first male born in his family in 14 years. It's important to bring up, he says, since he questions his audiences on the apparent decline in male births and many people notice it, too - including myself.

He then highlights an excerpt from his book, Stupid White Men...And Other Sorry Excuses for the State of the Nation.

The following is a copy/paste of a portion from the excerpt that's absolutely fascinating and quite observant of him. It's also amusing to note how many guys here will find it way too long to read, which not only highlights the decline of I.Q. in a surprising number of people (when a few pages worth of paragraphs seems to constitute a novel), but drives home MM's point here that much more.

But, to remain fair to a simplistic text-based generation, I've chopped the portion of the excerpt down even more than I wanted. And too bad, since the piece included nice tips on how men might hope to remain in numbers great enough that we don't purchase them at auction very soon. So, if the blog gets a good response, I may paste the rest later. Enjoy!!!!

"The Census Bureau confirms that the number of male babies being born has been declining every year in the United States since 1990! Plus, women are living longer and longer: 80 years, on average, versus only 74.2 for men. When I was a kid, the country seemed pretty much 50-50 male-female, with women maybe holding a slight lead. Then the ratio went to 51-49, with women in the majority. Soon itll be 52-48.

So I have come to one ugly but irrefutable conclusion: Guys! Nature is trying to kill us off!

Why is Mother Nature doing this? Are we not the carriers of the seed of life? What have we men done to deserve this?

As it turns out, plenty.

In the early years of Man, we served a critical and necessary function in the growth of the species. We hunted and gathered the food, protected the women and children from larger animals conspiring to eat them, and helped the number of Homo sapiens multiply rapidly through a lot of random, unrestricted sex. Its been downhill for us ever since.

In the past few centuries, things seem to have taken a fatal turn for our gender. As is our wont, we commenced work on a series of projects that stank everything up and made a mess of our world. Women? They deserve none of the blame. They continued to bring life into this world; we continued to destroy it whenever we could. How many women have come up with the idea of exterminating a whole race of people? None that Ive met at the gym. How many women have spilled oil in the oceans, dumped toxins in our food supply, or insisted that the new SUV designs had to be bigger, bigger, BIGGER? Hmmm.


Let me see.... Of the 816 species that have gone extinct since Columbus got lost and landed here (another man who wouldnt ask for directions)most of which are necessary links in our fragile ecosystemhow many do you think were eradicated by women? Once again, I think we all know the answer.

If you were Nature, how would you respond to such a brutal assault? And what would you do if you noticed that it was one particular gender of humans that was going out of its way to destroy you? Well, Mother Nature has a habit of cutting to the chase. Shed defend herself by any means necessary, thats what shed do. Shed pull out every stop to save her life, to survive at all costs, even if it meant eliminating one half of the very thing that was supposed to keep her most advanced species going.

Yes, Nature had graciously granted our species the highest form of intelligence and entrusted us with her futurebut suddenly it looked like one of the genders had decided to throw the kegger of all keggers on Mother Earths watch. Now, hung over and cranky, Mother is pissed at whoever slipped the mickey in her drink.

The culprit has a receding hairline, a potbelly, and never screws the cap back onto anything.

Yup, guys, weve been fingered; theres no way to hide from Natures wrath. We cant pin any of this on the women: it wasnt a woman who dropped napalm bombs, or who invented plastic, or who said, Dammit, what we need is a beer can with a pop-to! Unfortunately, every bit of plunder and pillage, every attack on the environment, everything that has brought horror and destruction to all that was once pure and good has come from hands that, well, when they arent busy bringing pleasure to oneself, are working overtime to wipe out this beautiful, wonderful home we were given free of chargeno security deposit required, no background check needed.

No wonder Nature is getting rid of us.


If we men had any sense, wed try to get Nature to forgive us by cleaning up our act. You know, do the obvious stuff: quit desecrating the Arctic wilderness, pick up after ourselves, stop throwing Whopper remains out the car window.

Nature would probably put up with a lot of our guff if we still served some important purpose. For eons we had two things women didnt have that made us a necessity: (1) we provided the sperm to keep the species going, and (2) we were able to reach and get whatever they needed off the top shelf.

Unfortunately for us, some traitor guy invented in vitro fertilization, which means that now females only need the sperm from a few of us in order to have babies. In fact someone (probably a woman) in Arizona has announced that science has found a means of human reproduction that doesnt even require sperm to fertilize an eggnow they can do it with DNA. No longer do women have to crawl out from underneath some slobbering man with his face buried in the pillow simply because they wish to have babies. All they need now is a test tube.

The other invention that did the male population in was the stepladder. The portable, easy-to-carry aluminum stepladder, to be precise. Who was the bastard that came up with that bright idea? Now what possible excuse can we have for sticking around?

Nature has a way of getting rid of its weakest links, those that no longer serve a useful purpose, the dead weight. That, my friends, is us. Reproductive science and three little aluminum steps rising above the earths surface have made us guys about as useful as an eight-track tape.


Well, look at the bright side: Weve had one helluva run! Thousands of years of total domination over the social order and still going strong! Think about itthere has not been a single day when we werent in charge, when we werent calling the shots and running the world! Not even the Yankees can claim such an unbroken reign of unchallenged power. I mean, here we are, the minority, and yet we men have ruled over the female majority since time immemorial. in other countries we call that apartheid; in America we call it normal.

Since the birth of this country, for more than 225 years, we have seen to it that not a single woman has held either the number one or number two offices in the land. For the better part of that time weve made sure that damn few of them have held any office at all. In fact, for the first 130 years of presidential elections, it was illegal for women even to vote.

Then in 1920, just to show women were good sports, we gave them the right to vote. And guess what? We remained in power!

Go figure. Suddenly, women had more votes; they could have thrown our collective male ass into the political trash heap. But what did they do? They voted for us! How cool is that? Have you ever heard of any group of oppressed people that suddenly, by their sheer numbers, takes chargeand then votes in overwhelming numbers to keep their oppressors in power? The blacks of South Africa, once free, did not continue apartheid by voting for whites. I know no Jews in America who voted for George Wallace or David Duke or Pat Buchanan (Florida debacle included).

No, the usual thing a sane society does is give the boot to the boot thats been on its neck for umpteen years.

Yet more than eighty years after they gained the right to vote anddespite the growth of a massive womens movement heres where we stand:

Not a single woman has been on the ballot of the major parties for President or Vice President in twenty of the twenty-one national elections since 1920.

Currently there are only five women governors in fifty states.

Women hold only 13 percent of the seats in Congress.

496 of the top 500 companies in America are run by men.

Just four of the top twenty-one universities in the United States are run by women.

40 percent of all women who are divorced between the ages of twenty-five and thirty-four end up in poverty, compared with only 8 percent of married women who live below the poverty line.

Womens earnings average 76 cents for every $1 earned by menresulting in a lifetime loss of over $650,133.

To make the same annual salary as her male counterpart, a woman would have to work the entire year PLUS an additional four months.


Sooner or later, women are going to figure out how to seize powerand when that happens, lets pray for mercy. After all, they are the stronger gender. Contrary to popular myth, it is men who are the weaker sex. Consider the evidence:

We dont live as long as women.

Our brains are less well formed and shrink at a faster rate than womens as we age.

Proportionately, we are more likely than women to suffer from catastrophic illnesses such as heart disease, strokes, ulcers, and liver failure.

Men are more likely to carry sexually transmitted diseases (which they pass on to their unsuspecting wives and girlfriends).

Mens major body systemsour circulatory, respiratory, digestive, and excretory functionsare all likely to break down long before womens (though I guess the breakdown of the excretory system was no surprise, considering the case of air freshener youve got under the bathroom sink).

Only our reproductive systemthe ability to produce spermlasts longer than a womans ability to produce eggs, but our delivery system peters out years before a woman discovers the benefits of enjoying a warm bath and a good novel.

Men are unable to give birth, to keep the species going.

Men lose their hair.

Men lose their minds (were four times more likely to attempt suicide than women).

Men are three times more likely to die in an accident than women.

Men are just not as smart as women: girls generally score higher than boys on the elementary school testsand face it, we dont get any smarter with age. Perhaps theres no logical explanation for this disparity. Maybe, as the nuns taught us, its just all part of Gods plan. But if thats the case, why did God make women so much better? The nuns must have had the inside dope on thisafter all, they were all women themselves. They knew Gods secret, and they certainly werent going to share it with the likes of me. It is my beliefand this is purely from my personal observation of the woman I live withthat when God was creating the world, he spent the better part of Day Six creating what women would look like. I mean, you cant help but notice the skillful craft of an artisan at the top of His field. The shapes, the curves, the symmetry, all constitute extraordinary art. Their skin is soft and smooth and perfect; their hair is rich and thick and vibrant. I am not speaking from a prurient perspective herethese are simply the conclusions of the art critic in me. WomenI think we all agreeare stunningly beautiful.

So what happened to God when it came to usP Its like he used up all his best tricks inventing women. By the time he got to us, he was obviously ready to get it over with, move on to something more important, like that seventh day of rest.

So men ended up like Chevys, rushed off the assembly line and guaranteed to break down after limited use. Thats why we try to stay in our Naugahyde recliners as long as we canthe exertion required to pick up after ourselves can lead to an early coronary. Our bodies were built to lift, carry, haul, and throw, but for a limited time only. And, I have to say it, whats with this extra thing we were given?


Well, let me put this as delicately as possible: In Gods rush to finish up, it looks like he just grabbed a stray part he had lying around in the shop and stuck it on uscause it sure as hell dont look right. If you took an item like this and glued it on to a lamppost or a tree, youd say, Naww, I dont think so. But nobody questions its presence on a guy. Like a creature from Alien reupholstered by Frank Purdue, the male organ is testimony to the fact that every now and again, as with the floods in Bangladesh or the teeth of the British, God just fails to get it right.

Saddled with the odds against us, some men have simply gone insane and taken to fighting back any way they can. If Nature is going to favor women, they figure, then they must take matters into their own hands. Their attitude: If we cant beat em, lets beatem."

Uploaded 03/20/2012
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