Ode to Killerisme 107

Please dont take this to heart, it's just a few things I've picked up from you.....

I am so scared right now.

I thought I had escaped my depression.
But once all the boys are gone, I plunge right back into loneliness.
My lack of friends.
My lack of support.
My undependable escape into my imagination.

My best trait of creativity is also my killer.
I was born into which dreams fulfil my world even when I’m rock-bottom broke. But when imagination would not stop themselves from manifesting and joining with the lust for relationships, they push me into a realm of dark feelings which I try to escape.

I feel so scared right now. I don’t want to go back to loneliness, the cold and depression.
Why do I crave for relationships so much?
Why so much, and why can I not be fulfilled and content with what I have? My drawings, writings and music?
No matter how much I love myself, I cannot fill this void of one sole person that means the world to me - someone I can trust and depend on.

Because I know I cannot fully depend on myself. (Tears roll down her face).
Because that’s why I cannot be emotionally attracted to Ethan. (The thought of not being able to dream about it pains her).
(Disappointed again and again).

You give it all to a person.
Trust them.
Depend on them.
Need and be needed.
Three, four months later, all that evaporate like it was only a dream that you keep waking and waking from.

We thought it was love. What did I know?
I keep believing.
Love will come again. You gotta believe that love comes again.

I feel like I have either the choice to go crazy, or take my own life.

Always remember there are people who need you.....

Uploaded 07/19/2008
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