Hit the back button if you heard this one before.

So a guy is driving home from work when he suddenly remembers it's his anniversary. He looks around on the drive but all of the shops are closed. Finally he spots one that's open and he pulls over quickly. From the sign he can see he's only got five minutes left before they close.

He runs inside and there's a little old Asian woman sitting behind a large enameled desk. He says: “You gotta help me. I forgot it's my anniversary and I'm already in the dog house this week. If I don't get my wife a present that will knock her socks off she's gonna kill me!”

The little old woman just smiles, doesn't say a word, but reaches into a cabinet and gets out a dusty old box. She opens it up and inside, the guy can see an old, beat-up wood carving of a penis. “Five hundred dollars.” she says.

The guy feels like he's getting fleeced, so he says: “You gotta be kidding me!” Five hundred dollars for an eight inch piece of lumber?”

Scowling at this man's disbelief, this woman points at a knothole in a nearby counter. “MAGIC DILDO! THE KNOTHOLE!” she says loudly. Suddenly, the dildo flies into the air and begins to pump away at the knothole wildly.

The man stares in amazement. “Can I try?” he asks. The old woman nods and the man says “MAGIC DILDO! THE PILLOWS!” The dildo flies over to a pile of cushions and begins fucking them with great passion. Without another argument he slaps down five hundred bucks and runs out of the shop.

He can see it now! His wife will be mad that he's late, but all he'll have to do is pull out the magic dildo and she'll forgive him after her first orgasm. This will be great. He'll be able to watch more football and leave her alone without fear that she's having an affair. It will solve so many problems.

But he's so busy focusing on this he doesn't notice until too late that the cops caught him speeding home. The police car flashes it's lights at him and he pulls over.

“What's the hurry bud? Did you know you were doing fifty in a thirty five zone? Have you been drinking?”

“Sorry officer. I didn't mean to. I'm late getting home. It's my anniversary and I was just buying my wife a magic dildo...”

The officer frowns and says: “MAGIC DILDO, MY ASS!”