Online Personals, The Savage Hypocrisy

It’s a funny thing, I use several online personals and pretty much all of them are about the same. There are a couple of things I began to notice, and since they occurred on several different sites, one must come to the conclusion that most people due this. I'm curious how many other people have had one or all of the following issues : First, the ever annoying "Let me get your IM name so we can chat some more" which should be "Let me get your IM name so I can I add you as friend and never sign on for a chat", or how about "Give me your phone number, I'll give you a call later" which when seen through a bullshit filter should be more like " Let me get your number which I have no intention of calling". Now these two things are mild enough, but it only goes to prove what I think, that 75% of all online personal ads are TOTAL FRAUDS! Not just porn bots or something similar to that, but people who are so completely bereft of honesty or of being honest, that in order for them to feel some sort of psychological validation from a person of their sexual preference, they have to create some alternate false persona to drawn in others. That is until the moment of truth, like meeting in person, and poof, they are nowhere to be found, like some phantasm or chimera disappearing into the darkness like a fucking goblin. But to help others avoid some of the problems I've had, I've jotted down a few red flags that I've found not only from personal experience, but also from my time moderating for another site, so that maybe others will be able to avoid them.


1. If the person has only pictures bustline/chestline up, they probably have a bit of a weight problem


 You’ll see this crap all over the place, these pictures chicks have always looking at an upward angle, so all you see is face and possibly cleavage. I made this mistake about three or four times before realizing that from chest down, it looks like their legs vomited up the rest of their body. The crappy part of this is by the time you realize what you stepped into, you already made eye contact. So unless you have moves like a ninja, you’re probably going to be stuck with fatty mcbutterpants for just long enough for the bogus phone emergency or other phony excuse.


2. If any of the photos look either professional or that they have been photoshoped, ignore them


 Let’s face it, if a chick looks hot enough to be a model, why the hell would she be on a personal site? Or better yet, why the hell would she want to date your ugly, loser ass anyways? Just stick to the moderately good looking, like a 7 or 8. At least they’re probably real enough to give a real shutdown or ignore you completely. Maybe if you’re lucky, you catch the rebound 9 or single MILF, just ignore their tears or the children screaming in the next room. Better yet, drown them out with the sound of your love groans.


3. BBW is more often than not a way for a woman to excuse the fact that she is great big fat person


 The biggest scam ever perpetuated by fat chicks, the BBW (Big Beautiful Women).  Apparently, a woman’s idea of big (at least in regards to her own weight) is somewhere in the ball park of Shirley Hemphill or Della Resse.  These women aren’t just big, they’re friggin’ HUGE!  A couple of key translations should be noted when reading a BBW profile: Curvaceous – More rolls than a bakery, Voluptuous – Belly extends same distance as breasts with an ass as wide as a 78 Buick bumper, Sultry – Will have sex on the first date as long as food is provided, and Kinky – Will try to have sex in positions no one over 200 lbs should ever attempt. That being said, if you like ‘em big, then go for it! Fat girls need love to! But if not, the avoid BBWs completely, especially since most can drop the second B from that acronym. Desperation thy name is BBW!


4. If a person asks for a phone number or IM name, don't expect to hear from them, especially if it is during the first message (this also applies to people who send you a myspace link)


This is just a no brainer. IM has become the 21st century fake phone number. Another good reason not to give it out is the spam bots. So unless you want to receive a million IMs about how to enlarge your penis, don’t bother.


5. Gratuitous nudity only marks you as being whore, so don't be surprised if you get nothing but sex requests (this also applies to cleavage shots)


 I’ve got nothing against nudity, whores, or cleavage. What I do have something against are women who want all the male attention from being whorish, but without putting out. So if you don’t want to be treated like a sex object, don’t look the part, you whore.


6. If you actually talk on the phone, and you don't feel much of a connection, the cards are stacked against you that the first date will go bad


I can’t count the number of times this has happened to me. Empty, shallow, vapid people who look ok enough to fool around with but unfortunately are such bores that they make you go soft and or fall asleep. I’m sure you’re asking yourself why I would still go out knowing it won’t work out and the answer is simple enough, sex.


7. People who put stuff like "non-smoker", "non-drinker", or "no drugs" are usually really boring cretins without enough soul to fill a shot glass or they are involved with 12 step recovery, in which you should avoid completely


Everyone has a vice, everyone has a freak flag, but a lot of people try and hide it in a vain attempt to seem “normal”. What isn’t normal is people who don’t have drunk stories, a drug story, or avoid the topic all together. Either these types of people will be the most uninteresting person ever or are hiding some really weird shit in the closet. I went out with this on lady for a while who seemed pretty plain, accountant, enjoyed sitcoms, and never got hammered. Then one day farted and it actually got her hot. No b/s, she had a fart fetish, though I won’t go into the gritty details about it.


8. If the person has more than one child from a different father/mother, avoid completely


This is a simple equation: Women with 3+ kids and 3+ fathers= whore who traps men into supporting her and man with 3+ kids and 3+ mothers = broke dick deadbeat dad who will constantly be hounded by the whores he slept with


9. If the other person asks you out, and then they don't do things normally associated with someone who makes the first move, like pick up the tab/check, don't bother with another date


This is just standard courtesy. Sometimes it’s a test to see if you’ll be financially supportive. This happened to me a couple of times as well, though the last time it happened, I actually went on a second date, ordered a decent meal and a few drinks. When the check came, I said I left my wallet in the car, a left her there by herself with the check. Harsh I know, but when you get stuck with a $200 bill, you tend to be less forgiving and more in the mood to stick it to someone.


10. Finally, stay away from anyone under the age of 23, most of their lives are in a state of flux and self discovery, so chaos and drama will rule all aspects of any kind of relationship


Good sex, but not really relationship material. If you go through with this one though, hold onto your hat, because you’re in for a bumpy few months or years depending on how much your patience can withstand.


Now this being said, I know there are exceptions to the rule, but more often that not, especially in regards to online personals, they are unfortunately not. I'm a firm believer in truth, and nothing pisses me off more than having to waste my time on some phony piece of crap, and rather than allow other people to have to deal with the nonsense I have, I posted this blog which will no doubt endear many unpleasant responses, though I hope not. And in the end, that is why we are all on these things, hope. Hope to find someone who likes what we like, wants us like we want them, and understands us as we in term understand them. These are things most good folks want, I just wonder if it can be found on personal sites.

Uploaded 05/19/2008
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