So it is another fine day in the mean streets of my city. We topped out at a balmy 102 degrees and the freaks have descended upon us. Well, they have always been here, but winter is finally over and they have come out of hibernation.
So, I am driving around, my air conditioning on full blast when I hear the familiar hot tone beep on my radio. The dispatcher advises anyone who was listening that a woman is on 911 stating there are two men stabbing a small boy at a local park. The immediate response on the radio is nothing but a series of bleeping noises and static because everyone is announcing they are enroute to the area. Well no kidding!!!! You dont have to announce it, just go for crying out loud!!!! Anyway, any and all available patrol officers and a few detectives are racing to the scene. We arrive in the area, but there are no signs of life in the park. No people at all. No bloody body lying on the ground. We roam the area and ask dispatch for updates. Other late arriving officers go to the house where the call was made. Still no sign of anything, and we are becoming a little suspicious. Was this a cruel joke? Well, not quite. A few minutes later we are told to clear out and there was not a stabbing. What happened was there was a 12 year girl playing in the park and she had to go to the bathroom, but she held it too long and ended up pissing herself. Rather than just run home and clean herself up, this little genius is too embarrassed to walk home, so she goes to a random house, knocks on the door and asks to use the phone so she can call her mother. The lady that answered the door told her no, so the girl says its and emergency and she needs to call 911. The woman is still suspicious, so she asks what is going on and the girl tells her a boy is being stabbed in the nearby park by two men. Well, naturally the woman believes the girl and calls 911. After calling 911, the woman allows the girl to call her mother and when mom shows up she sees wall to wall cops running to and fro. Naturally mom is concerned and asks what is going on? When mom finds out she tells daughter to cooperate, but pee pee pants has now dug herself a deep hole and finally comes clean and tells her mother the truth. What a waste of time and resources. Needless to say the girl was charged with a misdemeanor for false reporting.
Arizona has a lot of outdoor eateries, which of course is due to the warm climate. But, we also have a lot of Africanized bees. So, when you have a courtyard full of hungry citizens and a swarm of crabby African bees, you obviously are going to have a bad situation. So, my radio chatters to life stating there are numerous citizens are being attacked by bees and I am needed to respond to the scene. I dont know what the hell they think I am going to do? It just so happens I left my bee keeper outfit at home next to my other uniforms. Instead I brought my couch along in case someone needed to lie down and vent their entire life story to me. So, anyway I get on scene and I see people locked in their cars, many have run into the restaurant, but they refuse to let anyone else in for fear of letting in the bees. Nice people. They few citizens remaining outside are running around swatting themselves and trying to evade the angry bees. I see another patrol unit arrive and for some reason he got out of his vehicle. Why? I do not know. I have been attacked by bees, so my ass stayed planted in my squad car. As soon as my counterpart got out of his vehicle he was attacked and he immediately got back into his car, but unfortunately he let some bees inside with him. So, he is screaming on his radio and I am screaming back that he needs to calm down, use his pepper spray and that will knock down the bees. Of course he will be gassing himself as well, but if he turns on his ac he should be ok. Meanwhile, as I am occupied watching everything else going on, I hear one of the rear doors to my squad car open and close. I look back to see this 20 something female sitting in my backseat screaming and swatting at some bees she let in with her. HOLYSHIT!!!!!! What are you doing? I yell at her. She continues to scream and swat. Get out of my car!!! I yell in a panic. Nothing the screaming and swatting continue. Now, one of the bees has flown through the cage portion of the partition that separates the front and backseat. I grab my pepper spray and nail the bee, along with a fountain of obscenities. YESSSSS!!!!! One dead bee, but in my panic I filled up my entire vehicle and now I am gasping, my eyes are burning and the woman in my backseat is screaming even louder. To make matters worse she cannot open the door, because the back doors do not open from the inside; you know, that helps keep the bad guys from escaping. By this time, the fire department has arrived and is spraying the hell out of everything and the bee problem is quelled. I open the door and let the poor woman out of my car and she is taken to the hospital for precautionary measures. It took three days for the pepper spray to clear out of my squad car and the woman filed a complaint against me, because I failed to render aid while she was being attacked by bees. Complaint is still pending.