Persistent Prophet
ZeroEnygma
Published
09/12/2011
Having failed in my first attempt to achieve the exalted status of messiah, a new opportunity has arisen to take my holy message to the unwashed masses, and so I propose as the first order of business to adopt as Chapter One of our scriptures the divine tenets of ZeroEnygmaism. Not that I'm cocky at all, but it ain't really arrogance if you can back it up.
ZeroEnygma 1:1
Upon witnessing the perpetual state of hubris that seems to prevail in organized riligions today, I have become infect by the spirituality of L. Ron Hubbard, Joseph Smith and Albert Gore, Jr. It is clear that the need exists for a new religion free of contradictions and violent tendencies... that need is to be filled by ZeroEnygmaism.
Now don't get me wrong. I claim no divine right or immaculate birth. I carry no sword with which to convert the infidels and will have no televangelists with 1-800 numbers permanently affixed to glowing television screens. There will be no fleecing of my flockto furnish mansions in purgatory with gold-plated toilet fixtures. I will neither produce slick propaganda films nor buy a cruise ship and sail off to la-la land with a billion dollars in ill-gotten gains.
No, this will be a true religion of peace and here's why... one, singel commandment.
1. Be cool
That's it... simple and to the point. It covers all the bases. Killing is not cool, stealing is not cool, coveting thy neighbor's 64 inch HDTV is not cool (going out and purchasing a 65 inch plasma flat screen with a wireless home theater system is cool however). Helping old ladies across the street is cool, watching Spongebob cartoons is cool, and above all loving thy fellow human beings is the ultimate in coolness.
Having beachfront property in 98 years as the competing religion of Global Warmism contends is cool. But calling old folks at the retirement home and fleecing their savings in the name of "being saved" is not cool.
I can already hear the cries of, "that's a total crock you arrogant asshole!"
Be very careful my friends... for that borders on not being cool.
There will be more of course. Love will be one of the primary tenets... free flowing, unlimited, ever-present, sticky fornicating love... yes love will be the message and testimony at every service. Lots and lots of unadulterated love. *wipes mouth*
Amen and hallelujah!
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