PLEASE read this I need help

It's .

Now first of all, I have always been a real friendly, ALWAYS HAPPY, outgoing, non-judgemental, make friends with anyone type of person and it has worked pretty well with me. The only major problem is that I being a guy am very sensitive. I am not gay, nowhere near it in fact, but I have for some reason wanted to save myself(virginity) for marriage and have that special life being only with the girl of my dreams and her having only been with me in life. I was always cool with everyone but everyone always thought it was funny that i was a virgin and wanted to remain so til the special girl came along and we'd only have each other, not only that but i had a sort of phobia about std's. I have no need to lie about it, but I had plenty of situations where i could have had one night stands or even easy girlfriends, but dodged those expecting to find the girl of my dreams.Well my idiocy caused me to waste my entire high school years waiting for the girl that would never come. I had girls dump me in fact because i wanted it to be special and i started to feel dumb. Now, i know i got off topic, but it gets wierd and i don't think by coincidence. You see, like i said I was cool with everyone at school, from the jocks, to the geeks, to the stoners and throughtout school i denied every request to get high with my friends. I was really narrow minded thinking seriousyl, believing, that one hit would get me ADDICTED permanently. Thats really how i saw it and not wanting that to happen always turned it down. well after almost 4 years of lost love and regret thinking i should have just banged these hot chicks i met, (like i said i have no need to lie, and this is EBW, who would i impress?)  even if it wasn't permanent. but i guess my mom who raised me alone after my dad passed away worked it into my head that drugs are bad, and sex before marriage is sin so i did what mom told me because i wanted to be great for her and not cause her any problems, she is 63 now. I really don't know how it happened but after starting to work at a telemarketing job i met some friends that were ravers. Long story short i made friends with ecstasy users. I who had once experimented (once because my friends thought i was dumb for changing who i was to be "cool") with a xanex pill thought "pills are no big deal." Well this chick named jennifer invited me to ditch work with her and go to the movies. That job allowed us to do so without getting in trouble, just return to make up the hours you missed before the week is over, without even having to tell a manger you're leaving. Believe it or not it was cool, but anyway after leaving we found that the theatre was closed for remodeling. having gotten our hopes of leaving work up, we decided to go visit her buddies. Arriving they were all smoking weed in the living room. I told them that i didn't want to smoke because i would soon be graduating and was behind in class(bullshit, but it lowered how much of a square i looked like, i think at least). Thats when jennifer suggested i try an x pill. I immediately denied , but they peer pressured me and having always turned down girls and drugs and always having been left with nothing though differently this time. I thought i'd do something different for a change and maybe become happier. I took it. It was a twenty $ value free so I said ok. I have to say it was the first craziest experience i had ever had up until then. I felt so good and i even got bit by a chihuahua on my finger and didn't even feel it because i was so wasted off a tiny pill. I thought it was so cool and told my friends all about it to be scolded and looked at like i was wierd to have done such a thing. I had friends literally wanting to beat me up because i was to them too cool to do stupid things like that. Anyway after that things went crazy in my life. I found out some other friends had recently discovered this drug, and joined them in party's when i had drifted apart from them when they got too much into smoking. Well after popping another x pill (the next day), having my judgement impaired i began smoking weed and liked it. It was different and more fun than drinking, but i think with more consequences because it was then that i started to stay up partying and drinking and smoking late into the night. One night i even got so wasted that i was hitting a gas mask being held up by my friends who wanted me to experience getting really REALLY wasted for once. well this was also the beginning of  the drug selling chapter of my life. there is more so read my next blog if you want to know some more and this is all true. also if i left voids or gaps in my story ask me snd i will further explain. til next time whocarez

Uploaded 05/12/2008
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