Problems in Spades in Space

We are all fucked.  There is no hope for humanity, let alone any other species on this planet.  War, climate change, depression, oil reserves running out, corporations running your life, and unsustainability are all problems that seem like a cakewalk when you consider that the sun is going to turn into a red giant in about 3 billion years.

That seems like plenty of time.  Why should you worry?  What if I put it this way; 3 gigayears!? Holy shit!  Now that thing in the sky isnt your personal free tanner anymore.  Its a ticking time bomb!  We need to come up with a long term exit strategy before we literally have hell on earth.  And when that golden ball in the sky finally decides that it wants to pull a plasmatic Jihad and take all of us down with it, were only going to have about 8 minutes to react.  Suffice to say, that is not enough time to come up with a plan.  Thats only enough time to jerk-off one last time.

So what do we do, or more importantly, where do we go? The closest planet that can theoretically sustain life is Gliese 581, and its about 20.5 light years away.  Our current technology allows us to travel at about 17,500 mph.  If we leave now we can get there in about 784,388 years.  This obviously brings up another problem; we need to figure out how to make babies in space.  Im not going to go into all the details on that, but it does bring up some more problems.  How do we feed ourselves in space?  How to we make fuel out the vast emptiness of space?  How do we simulate gravity in a space ship so we dont come out as a gelatinous blob?  And once we get there (well, not us but our distant children) what the hell do we do?

I think we need to do a few test runs of planet-colonization on mars before we go out for the big score.  As it stands right now, we cant even get two robots to drive around a couple of blocks over there.  So lets load up the space shuttle, go to mars, and totally fucking own that shit.  Because if we cant conquer our next-planet neighbors, Gliese 581 is going to make us their bitch when we get there, or whatever is the closest equivalent to a female dog there.

Weve got a long way ahead of us. So if I hear any complaining about North Korea is launching missiles, or that Russia is hacking our mainframe, Im turning this shuttle around, and no one is going on inter-planetary space travel.  So before we get started, Ill solve all your problems right now.  Depleting oil reserves and climate change; stop burning oil.  Evil corporations dictating your life; stop giving them money.  Planet sustainability; dont shit where you live.  Depression; get a hooker.  War; no more killing.

Now that Ive solved all your problems,  lets get back to work before we all get incinerated.

Uploaded 09/02/2010
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Tags: space problems