On a Saturday night about two weeks ago, I was bored, so I did what ever other guy does on a weekend night when he's all alone. The kinda night where you can't get any action at all. You all know what I'm talking about, everyone does it.

I made a list of questions to find my perfect girl. You know, so I ask the girl these questions, and if she answers appropriately, shes my perfect girl. Below are the questions, possible answers, and outcomes. Now that I realize it, almost all of these aren't questions at all, just things I say and their responses.

First:

Sparks: "If I had a million dollars, I would buy you a fur coat."

Responses:

"Oh sweet, I like fur." - Stay away, shes obviously a whore of some sort.

"Sparks, I would wear it all the time." - Again, stay away.

"Sparks, I love it so much when you buy me things. Please penetrate me!" - While good, I don't think that qualifies as my perfect girl.

"But not a real fur coat, that would be cruel." -  YES! My perfect girl can turn any statement into an obscure pop culture reference, in this case the BareNakedLadies band.

Picture this: Driving around a city for about 3 hours in the middle of the night (love doing that) when "No Rain" by Blind Melon comes on. If you don't know the song, look it up. That's what youtube is for.

Scenarios:

"I'm gonna turn off the radio so I can concentrate on driving." - Obviously she cares more about her personal safety than a really good song. How selfish.

"Sparks, we need to talk. Let me turn this radio off so I can tell you how my stepdad molested me..." - Ok, you pay a therapist to talk to you about your problems. Not me. (In all seriousness, I would feel very bad)

*Sits in dead silence just enjoying the music* - Yep, thats her, thats my perfect girl. She must know how important music is to life.

Here comes the list of obvious prerequisites:

- Must love dogs

- Lets me sing and play guitar to her

- Loves video games

- She must obviously love webbing and apples

Thats about it.