Ramblings of the Stoned II

"Write drunk, edit sober." Ernest Hemingway

2nd entry in honor of the great Hemingway's advice

- It's hard to tell when artists like the Flaming Lips or Beck are going for absurdity or metaphor.


- Whenever a cat meows at me, I always meow back.  It just seems rude not to.


- A man realizes everything that is presently happening to him is exactly what happened in a dream he had the night before.  He's terrified because he died at the end of the dream.

*sober author's note - I think this was supposed to be some great idea for a thriller screenplay, or something.


- In movies and television, whenever a character vomits, it always just sounds like they're coughing.  If it's a grittier program, there might be a soft grunt followed by a gurgle.  I don't know about you, but when I'm heaving, I sound like Chunk from The Goonies, fake-puking over the side of a movie theater balcony.


- A purist is someone who refuses to see their childhood ideals compromised or threatened.


- Think I'm addicted to caffeine.  One cup of coffee changes me to completely unmotivated with a terrible self-esteem to motivated with a rosy outlook on the future; From unemployment line fodder to employee of the month.  That's a red flag, isn't it? 

*sober author's note - wtf am I talking about? Everyone that drinks coffee is like that.


- I love the way I think when I'm under the influence.  I look at things on so many different levels.  Not as much ponderous thinking as it is being able to think several moves ahead.  I should try to play chess high.


     Strike that, I don't think on more levels while high, I just go through every level slower, taking in more of the scenery.  I consider every dust mote of thought as it floats by my brain.  It's like the director's cut of my mind.


- Too many people think they're not an asshole for littering in a park, because there's someone hired for the specific purpose of taking care of such things.  They don't stop to consider that the job was created by a realist who knew assholes who don't pick up after themselves exist.  In a perfect world, that dude's job equipment would remain the same, but his modus operandi would be different.  The trash bag would be pulled over the head of the offender, and the pointy stick would be used to jab them in the ass until they finally smartened up and picked up their empty goddam Starbucks cup.


- If I were to ever become a radio disc jockey, I'd aspire to be the kind that makes you drive past your exit, because the playlist they're on is just too good make you want to go home just yet, and you'd only turn around and head back because the station's signal has started to fade.


- When you spill your beer on a $1,000.00 carpet, and you're more concerned about the booze than the rug, you may be an alcoholic.


- Americans are so ethnocentric I'll bet many would be shocked to learn that the Civil War is not part of the regular school history curriculum in Ireland or France


- Just realized it was very ethnocentric of me to refer to it as "the Civil War" and not "the American Civil War".

- I wonder whats going through the minds of the type of people that always think people are hitting on them.

     "Would you like to hear some of our specials toda-"

     "I'm flattered, but I don't even know you, and I have a boyfriend."


- A private apology for a public humiliation is an even bigger insult.


- I think my hair just moved on its own.


- Sometimes I feel like a little kid playing grown-up, or like I'm the whacky sitcom neighbor and the world is my straight-man that says things like "Yeah, nobody buys bullshit like that from anyone past high school.  Actually, they didn't buy it back then either.  They just didn't bother to engage you in a debate, because you were just an insignificant little shit in high school."



Uploaded 05/22/2012
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