Well, I've taken on the great evil that is Port Forwarding and….aside from a tiny glitch, won.  I rock so hard.  If you were to take an infant, put it in a sack and bash it on the ground until its head juices surrounded your feet, it would only rock about .000000000004 as much as I do. 

I need some weed.  The weed I have is dried out completely and hurts…but fuck it.  I want some super weed, the kind of weed that by just looking at it you're too high to walk.  That's super weed.  That's what I need.

I have about 55 minutes before I go home, get high, sit in my undies and watch spongebob.  I should be working on my book, but I just don't 'feel' like it.  I feel like sex.  Warm gooey sex that makes you piss funny.  The good kind, you know what I'm talking about.  The kind that you can't look at the other person after, and then as soon as you leave you call someone and say "oh my god, she is a nasty stank ho!!!!"  but in the back of your mind you're remembering every small crude detail so that you can faprocate yourself later.

Mmmmm fap.

I don't masturbate enough; I should set a particular time to do it.  Or better yet I should Pee Wee it and have a magic word.  "Did you say button? AHHHHHH" Then just wack away like I'm looking for the antidote. 

I thought I liked Grape Fanta, I think it was just the hot chick on the Fanta commercial that made me buy it….those whores.  Those lying whores.  I should cut them into small pieces, drag them into a huge hole that I have already dug in the back for "lying whores", and then cover then in poop.  ….I should tea bag em first though.  That'd show em.  That'd show em all! Lol poo.

I like fucking with people, it keeps me occupied and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy knowing that, they're pissed off because of me.  They will yell at someone because of me.  That's nice isn't it?

Here are some games I play at work, feel free to share them:

Game1:  (…..you bitch)

Say, under your breath …"…….you bitch"

i.e.

caller: I'd like to leave a message for blahblahblah please

me:    absolutely ……….you bitch…….what was your name?

oh they'll check you and such….but you'll pretend that you didn't say anything, but you did and they know…..they know.

Game2: (….I love you)

When you're hanging up, the last thing you say is "I love you" then hang up, this way they can't say anything back. 

i.e.

me: was there anything else I can help you with?

Caller: no, that will be all, thank you, bye.

Me: thank you for calling, bye, I love you *click*

This one you don't want to say under your breath, and the more….desperate you say it, the better,,,,,and if you're about to go home for the day…moan a little.  It's fun.

Game3: (name change)

Every time you speak to someone, change your name, make it something really obviously wrong like "toaster" or "bill clinton" or "spongebob"…..and in the event that you use someone's name like bill Clinton, use his voice as well.

i.e.

caller: …..and I know I gave you that message I remember giving it to you, and now you don't have it?

Me: I….did not…..receive….that message.

Game4 (drug game)

This is for those callers who won't SHUT THE FUCK UP and think that "hello" translates to "please tell me your entire life story"

i.e.

caller: and then when I looked it was so big it wouldn't even flush, I had to break it apart and remove some of it and then put it back in and flush THAT one too, but it got on my hands and I really really didn't like it but…

me: *sniifffff* yeah…that's WOOOOOOOOOO very interesting, and then?

Caller:…um…..I…….just tell em to call back please *click*

I want a cat.  I would torment it. And it would be fun. 

I hate pooping.  It fucking hurts.  I don't know if Its just me or what but, my butt bleeds when I poo.  Does anyone else have this problem?  I think I'm going to start eating cheese…a LOT of cheese…then I'm going to keep my poo in for weeks at a time until one day, my vision gets blurry and I pass out and when I wake up, I'll have given birth to the cheesy poo baby but I would have been knocked out….that would rule