Read it n' Weep

Those in our society don't really get the hang of learning how full of shit these products/services on TV really are. Let alone are aware of the stink to begin with. That includes you. And I mean really. Not like the you're-aware-cuz-you-fell-for-it-already thing. Cuz seriously, if you bought something from a number on a commercial that didn't work, and did or would do it again, you're the same as someone who calls Miss Cleo. It may seem a harsh comparison, but it is just.

My mother is astonished at the "Better Than a Payday Advance" loan commercial that shows up every fucking break on her precious AMC Channel. The one with the drum background that's brought to you by an all-Native-American group that will charge you about 140% interest on the principle.

Thing is, for once she actually took the time to read the fine print. Now she doesn't leave it alone. So I tell her to try reading the print on just about any commercial she sees - she'd be surprised by what she reads. And she actually asked me why.

And now I think I know why so many gullible freaks call psychic friend networks and throw their money away on shitty miracle creams and energy pills - they just don't fucking read.

If there's fine print on a commercial, it's a good shot there's a special something about that product or service - something that reeks of pure shit. Remember that recent McDonald's commercial talking about how they donate to children for each Happy Meal sold? How warm and thankful you might have felt about their generosity? Well, squint your eyes and fucking read for once, and you'll see how it states in teeny-tiny print that only 1 cent on each Happy Meal is what they plan on donating. YES, there's a lot sold in a day, but honestly? All the more reason a multi-billion dollar company could and should bump it to, say, even a measly fucking nickel.

And so you should always read that fine print, so you can learn how much you should be hating these facts, companies, and products even more. Especially when 99% of the time, fine print on a commercial will most likely involve one of the following 2-pt. font culprits, which mean exactly what is outlined:

"Entertainment purposes only" = FAKE.

It's there as just another form of amusement, same as with playing a game or watching a movie. It's also there to make these people quick money, in the event you're too stupid to read fine print. So call now for your free (non) psychic reading, and wonder why they enjoy telling you all the nice things you wanna hear.


"Individual results may vary" = DOESN'T WORK.

I guarantee anyone you know who actually bought into some gimmick they saw on television probably got really pissed and called the company to hear something like, "well, you must be one of those few...". It's a legal way of selling a bogus product and not being liable for results not achieved.


"Clinically proven" - TO NOT MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.

Basically, testing may have taken place either in a lab-like setting or with some med student observing for a grade, where it was discovered the product is harmless cuz it doesn't work anyway. That's when they slapped a label on it and shipped it out.


"Compared to leading brand" = IT STILL SUCKS.

Sure, not even a brand name paper towel can completely wipe up a spill without a streak, but I guarantee "theirs" would still be a better product if these assholes didn't pass it through a dog's digestive tract before dipping it in the bowl of blue shit they thickened for the on-screen comparison.


"Compared with placebo"...  ANYTHING WOULD WORK, DUMBASS.

That's what placebo means - fake fucking pill. Nothing vs. something made with who the fuck knows what, is bound to at least cause a few gurgles.

"Some assembly required" = HOPE YOU WORK FOR NASA.

Cuz ALL assembly is gonna be required. This bitch is arriving torn the fuck up in a box with instructions you'll have to turn over a dozen times before you can locate English. It'll have a finished picture of a lunar module, a missing packet of screws, and a warranty of about a week.

Uploaded 01/06/2012
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