This is real fake interview I conducted with Gary Busey in a small restaurant in Van Nuys, CA over the summer. I arrived at the restaurant 20 minutes early to do a little setup. To my surprise Gary was already there. He was sitting at a table drinking coffee and staring out the window. He was wearing a bright, yellow Hawiian shirt. I approached the table.
Me: Hello Mr. Busey. I'm sorry I kept you waiting. I thought I told you we would get started at around two o'clock.
Gary Busey: Hey there Pickles! No, you're fine. I got here at nine...I like to be early.
Me: Pickles? I wasn't sure why he called me Pickles, but he continued to do so through the entire interview.
Gary Busey: Yeah...I'm calling everybody Pickles. I have been having a hard time remembering names lately.
Me: O...K...so you've been here for five hours?
Gary Busey: Yeah I have Pickles. This is a great place to hang out. I already had lunch. You hungry? Let me get the waitress...
Me: No I'm fine, thanks. And you can call me Doug. Are you ready to get started?
Gary Busey: Oh sure Pickles. The waitress approached the table with an annoyed scowl. Hey Sugar, let's get some more coffee out here and how about some fried clams to nibble on?
Waitress: For the fourth time, we don't serve fried clams...I'll be back with the coffee. She walked away and Gary laughs and does a cat call.
Me: So what have you been doing since Celebrity Rehab?
Gary Busey: Well I've been doing a ton of metal detecting down at the beaches. I also go to a lot of AA and NA meetings and try and take over the group to offer my help as a recovering addict and re-born Christian. They seem to really enjoy that. I don't think a lot of the people take it seriously though..the groups keep getting smaller.
Me: Uh-huh. I was actually talking about movies or television work?
Gary Busey: Well, I auditioned for a role in the new Tarantino film. They told me they'd let me know. I never heard from them, so I assumed I got the part. So I showed up on the first day of shooting, in character.
Me: You showed up on the set of Quentin Taratino's "Inglorious Bastards"? The waitress comes back with the coffee.
Gary Busey: Thanks sugar. How the fried clams coming? She completely ignores him and he just laughs. No Bob Tarantino...the movie was "Hell's Psycho Ward".
Me: Oh...so how did that go?
Gary Busey: Well they told me I hadn't got the part and that I should leave. I hung around anyway and gave bits of advice to the other actors and gave a few pointers to the director. I think they all enjoyed my mentoring. It's such a wonderful feeling to help people.
Me: So no other acting work to speak of?
Gary Busey: Well I'll tell ya Pickles, I try and get out to open mic nights and do some one man shows. Talk about my journey into deep seeded fear. How I was able to sink into my own psyche and use ninja skills to get rid of all my demons. I think it sells itself.
Me: Right. What kind of audience reaction do you get?
Gary Busey: It's overwhelming. In fact, it's too much for some folks. If they see me in the club, they'll leave before I get started. It's just too powerful for some people.
Me: I'm sure that's why they are leaving. Gary detects my sarcasm and stares at me intently...I nearly shit myself.
Gary Busey: Gary whispers manically. Pickles, I could reach across this table, rip out your endocrine system, and eat it with my fried clams.
Me: I whisper back. Gary they don't have fried clams here.
Gary Busey: Gary moves his eyes slowly to the left and back to the right and cotinues whispering. That's what I've heard too... Gary then gets up, throws down a handful of Canadian nickels, and walks toward the door.
Gary Busey: I'll be seeing ya Pickles.
That concluded my real fake interview with Gary Busey. It went much better than I expected.