Review of Captain America

Warning: You may wanna see the movie first. This review contains light spoilers for those who care (for instance, Captain America gets the girl at the end OMG)

2011 is the summer for super hero movies again, it seems. Only this time, there's not really any good ones. There's X-men in the 60's, a shitty Thor, and lastly, ol' Capn Murrika. Now, anyone who knows anything about superheroes knows a couple key indisputable truths: Thor is a fucking stupid character. So is Captain America.

Seriously, every version of Captain America, live-action or anim00ted has been a complete pile of shit. This looked like a gritty reboot (HOLY FUCK CAPTAIN AMERICA USES A GUN), so I figured Hey, it's gotta be great. Right?

I'll skip to the end: Captain America was ok. It wasn't great. It wasn't terrible. As a superhero movie, it was better than most.

That doesn't mean it's not full of flaws and bullshit, no. This IS a superhero movie, afterall.

Alright, it's reviewin' time. Steve is a skinny mother fucker with the face of that guy from Fantastic Four. He's sad because he never gets any ladies. However, he's heroic and has a strong heart, as all scrawny folks do. Just like Jeffrey Dahmer. Anyway, he gets selected for a secret experiment with some hot british chick. Now listen up here, cause this is important:

He meets up with the british chick on the way to the experiment site, where she clearly rebuffs him. Why? Because he's 5 foot 2 and weighs 90 pounds. I mean, what else would happen? So long story short, he gets buff as hell (don't act like you didn't know, it was in the preview) and all of a sudden, hot chick wants him. What a surprise. Naturally, super-ripped Steve goes on mackin' other hot bitches, and british chick gets upset. Then she drops the bomb: "Men. They're all the same." Coming from the woman who wanted NOTHING to do with him when he was skinny.

Hell, at least it was realistic.

Every great super hero movie needs a good villain, right?  Hugo Weaving plays the mysterious red face... I mean, Crimson Skull. His power is having, well, a red face. Oh wait, that was a spoiler. Sorry. Spoiler: Crimson Skull has a red face.

Hugo Weaving portrays Agent Smith once more, except with a german accent. He's also obsessed Norse Mythology and God's and the like. So naturally, he names his secret organization after the famous Norse monster, the Hydra. Oh. Wait.

To be fair, he does a pretty good job as Agent Smith...again, until he pulls off his regular face and becomes red face, which is when it all goes to shit. You see, he acts with a higher pitched voice here, and that doesn't fit red face at all. Oh well.

So wait, this is a gritty reboot, right? And didn't you see the preview? That costume! That shiled! It's realistic. It seems directors are finally getting away from stupid Captain America stuff. Holy fuck Captain America has a gun! Holy shit! He also has a ragtag group of deadly multi-cultured soldier/mercenaries who are actually pretty cool. You know, there's the awesome sniper. And the guy with the moustache. And an asian saboteur. I mean, it's just cool. They should've done a heist.

But instead, they did montages. Don't get me wrong, montages ARE cool, but in a super hero movie? Why not just show the action? Unfortunately for the audience, they do. There's a terrible train sequence that reminds us precisely why Captain America is the gayest superhero around.

And, it turns out they didn't completely get away from other cliche stuff. Yup, he still has that shield that is also a boomerang. And a motorcycle. With gadgets. Oh brother.

So, at the end (and yes, minor spoilers), Steve is flying a plane set to Bomb America. He needs to steer it around so that it doesn't kill everyone. Simple, right? Not for Captain America. Nope, the plane is on autopilot, so instead of turning around, Captain....dives into the ocean. Where he is frozen. To be reanimated later. Ok. Just. Ok.

Now, there were cool segments here. The team. The costume. The guns. All the references to other heroes. Did I mention Iron Man's dad is in there? It's neat. Kinda.

Final Result: Three magical boomerang shields out of Five.
Uploaded 07/25/2011
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