New York New York. It’s a hell of a cold town!
Well, at least in Winter it is.
I had just set foot on American soil for the first time in my life only 3 days ago, leaving behind a blazing hot Aussie summer to go on a winter trip with my mate to Japan and the United States. I would have loved to assume that it was colder then normal, but no one around me seemed to give a shit. For fucks sake people! No one should live any where with a temperature below 0.
So my mate and I were crashing in Manhattan in what is known as the upper west side. We were a stones throw away from Central park, the museum of natural history, Columbus square and a lot of other regular tourist places.
Woopty fucking do!
We came here to get fucked up, fucked silly, and fucked hard by New York’s cheap alcohol, drugs and women.
On our 3nd night in New York, with our jet-lag practically over, but our bodies being warped from excessive drinking and lack of sleep, the cold seemed to kick my mates immune system to death and he developed some crazy bronchial chest infection thing
that was leaving him coughing he’s guts up, in terrible pain and unable to sleep due to he’s sinuses going ballistic on him.
I couldn’t stand to see him like that.........
So I got dressed and went to a bar.
Or what they call in New York a dive bar. To be honest I can’t tell the difference but it’s a lot better to relax in and enjoy a drink in then a lot of other places in New York.
The first night we were in New York my friend and I hit up the bars in the area where all the uni students go called Soho or something dumb. We found the bar system in these places very formulaic. A lot of wanker uni students would go out in groups to these establishments, congregate as closely as possible to the bar, yell at each other over loud music and block people from getting to the bar to get drinks while heaps of tables all around the bar remained empty.
I don’t know what that was all about, but it was nothing in comparison to how bad the meat packing district is.
The day before I left on my trip I had a friend call me who had just arrived back from New York raving about how it was awesome and how the meat packing district was amazing and women were mad as sluts.
Hearing this news my friend and I had spent our 2nd night in this area only to find it to be monopolized by semi-rich wankers of all sorts whose idea of a good time was standing in a packed room like sardines not being able to move while death staring at everyone you don't know and acting pompous as all fuck.
If there was enough room to actually bend over you could have seen the massive sticks up these people's asses.
But it didn't matter. I was out on my own in New York, feeling lazy and had heard word of a bar around the corner that was quiet, laid back and open till late.
Another thing I might mention... In Sydney, there are always venues in each area open till at least 6am. In most heavily populated areas there are venues open 24 hours a day. This whole 'closing time' thing was a foreign concept to me... iterally.
Upon entering the dive bar you find a row of seats lined up along the bar and booths all around the rest of the establishment. Meh. I'm getting lazier everyone second I'm in this country.... I'll sit at the bar to avoid getting up for next drink. Let's see if those uni fuckwits were onto something.
I think they were.
Within 20 minutes I had 2 gorgeous European girls on my right drinking their weight worth of cheap American alcohol in comparison to the Euro.
I had to get my mate down here.
Leaving 2 full beers infront of my seat and the one next to me, I imply im heading out for a cigarette where as I actually run back to the hotel, get up to my floor and bust in to the room my mate and I are staying in. This time he's not jerking off but actually sleeping.
Awww, he really must be sick.
"DUDE! GET THE FUCK UP! TWO GORGEOUS EUROPEANS ARE DOWN AT THE DIVE BAR! YOU NEED TO GET LAID! SEX CURES ALL OF LIFES CRUEL DISEASES.... except aids.....FUCK IT. WE CAN BANG 'EM IN HERE MAN"!
I see the life beginning to stir in my friend. He has American heritage and has been in this country plenty of times before.
He's been here, and done the girls before.....
But he's never been to Europe!
"Give me 10 minutes and i'll be down there with you".
I fly out of the room, down to the lobby and run back to the bar. Now I am fucked. I am unfit, I smoke 40 cigarettes a day, I eat junk food like it's going out of fashion and the only thing I can count that I get as exercise is sex and masturbation. And the one I do the most only works out a specific part of my body.
Go my forearms!
Heaved over outside the bar and sucking in every ounce of breath that I can get, I look in to the watering hole and find a bar with alot of very empty seats along it.
Fuck! Yeah the sex has gone... but I feel bad for my mate and he's efforts for nothing.
Defeated, exhausted and on the verge of having the worst stitch of my life I slink back into the bar and collapse at my seat to begin imbibing the stil cold beers I'd left behind earlier.
Nothing left to do now but drink myself into a stupor like the good ol' teenage years.
Remember that? What the fuck were we thinking? Why did we actually believe it would be the biggest sexual turn on to a young inexperienced schoolgirl peer we had a crush on to drink far too many shots of bourbon, slur incomprehensibly at them while staring at their tits, stumble off from them to drain the lizard and then forget about them on your way back after being called into a bong session in a room only to spend the next 3 hours having an incoherent discussion with your mates about religion, society and war only to wonder the next day why she thinks your immature, and most importantly, why you actually think it was a FUCKING AWESOME PARTY DUUUDE and are doing it all over again next weekend!
Did ADD affect our libidos as teenagers?
Meh. Smoking pot is cool!
So, after a few more beers my slow but steady mate ended up joining me at the bar and had a lot of questions I didn't have good answers for. Well.... I had drunken answers.
"I dont know man. one minute.... it was like............ Fuck!........ you suck dude..... im blaming you for this one".
I think he still holds a grudge at me about that one and why it took him nearly 2 weeks before he actually became healthy again on the trip.
Anyway, now he was here he decided to join me in the drinking marathon..... And, always when you least expect it, so had some New York girl who had sidled up next to us at the bar during my drunken explanations to my friend.
To be honest, I can't remember how she joined in the conversation. I can't remember if she butted in, I can't remember if we were being loud and obnoxious and yelling at everyone in the bar, I can't remember if I pretended to spike her drink in a comedic drunken manner to break the ice that doesn't seem to go down to well with Americans.
Either way, we were conversing with a good looking New York chick who was by herself and having a good old time. Needless to say, my mate, whose manhood I continued to question on our journey, decided to call it a night after enough beers
and headed back to the hotel, leaving New York girl and I to continue our drunken conversation alone.
I know I remember that the conversation was interesting. I remember that the chick had the exact same interests in movies as me and that we spent a long time talking about our favourite writers, directors and actors. The conversation was so engrossing in fact that I completely tossed my desire for sex out the window and spoke with her for another few hours non stop, forgeting about all of the important things like smoking and urinating and boobies and vagina.
It wasn't until closing time and getting kicked out of the bar that everything went back to normal. Upon exiting the premises at 3am the cold night air knocked all the friendly, interesting sense out of me and brought me down to earth.
I also recollect this moment quite clearly cause I remember thinking 'So that's what it feels like to be a girl' which I don't do very often.
We stood outside on the dead New York city sidewalk talking about god knows what when I had that libido rush to the head, realized what was going on, grabbed her, shoved her up against the window of the bar and started pashing her. After a few minutes of this I stepped back for some air.
"Jesus! It took you long enough"!!!!
"Took me long enough for what"?
"To make a move you fool"
(insert moment of feeling like a chick. Yes I actually did stop to think about the fact that maybe she didn't find me interesting at all and just wanted to get it on from the beginning................ I felt so betrayed)
Enough of that shit! Let's get to the sex!
It was now that I noticed a difference in her persona. In the bar she seemed to be submissive as I controlled the conversation, leading it in all directions, maintaining the volume and structure of it all. But once she had me in her grips,
she decided to take the reigns.
Hugging herself around me she asked "Wanna come back to my place"?
"What the fuck do you reckon"?
She immediately hailed a cab, threw me in, jumped on top of me and told the driver where to go.
Now, I don't know about you people, but while I enjoy a little promiscuity and also mystery in my life, I also like to know what the fuck is going on. So being in the back of a cab with a chick trying her best to give me a rub and tug while her tongues down my throat, eyeing the african driver heavily watching us through he's rear view mirror, while thinking of that old show taxi cab confessions and not knowing where the hell I am going in a city of 20 million people I got a little shell
shocked and lost in the moment.
It didn't dawn on me how cool the moment was until the taxi driver pulled over, the chick jumped out, stuck her head in the drivers window and yelled 'I'm gonna fuck this guy tonight WOOOHOOO' loud enough for the entire neighbourhood to hear that I sat back with a little retarded smile on my face thinking "I heart N.Y".
Also, in my movie fucked up mind, I remember clearly thinking 'Man, this is just like that scene in Coming to America when Eddie Murphy is walking along in Queens singing and everyone yells at him to shut the fuck up'.
Unfortunately no one yelled out at her to shut the fuck up. I must be in a good neighbourhood.
"Ah, where the fuck are we"?
"WHAT THE FUCk! I don't wanna die!....................... I've seen Die Hard with a vengeance"!
"Don't worry! Bill Clinton started kicking out all the blacks years ago".
Oh.....kay. No wonder Harlem is where all the white folk are staying in New York nowadays.......????
With my guard up, fearing a gang of Samuel L Jacksons was around any corner, I got out of the cab and followed the chick back to her apartment building but I didn't see 1 person for the short trip.
Alert, but not alarmed, I made it up to her level of the building and into her pretty damn sweet apartment.
"Try to be quiet, my room mate has to work tomorrow"
"Cool.....ummm. What day is it"?
"Oh okay...... What do you do"?
"I'm a model"
Now, for all I knew she could have been a hand model, a struggling model or a liar. But it was a good enough answer in my books to gloat about to my friends later.
Unlike Arizona girl in Tokyo, this chick wanted to fuck and wanted to fuck now. It was intimidating. And also quite confusing. The girl is quite attractive, a model, lives in a city of 20 million, seems overtly way to excited about this
opportunity of sex, and im just a young naive Aussie tourist in New York. What if she was a serial killer, what if she had aids, what if she was sucking my dick right now...............fuck it!
I'm ony human!
I will give this chick credit where credit is due. The best blowjob of my life. I had to work extra hard not to blow my load quickly with this one. She knew how to work it and it felt good.
Isn't it so fucking ironic that you spend so long thinking about these moments and wanting them, and when they do happen... you have to think about anything but it just to make sure it lasts long enough to enjoy it for long enough.
Except blowjobs from chicks who use teeth. They should be banned for life from opening their mouths ever again.
So I fucked this chick for a few hours and by this stage the sun was coming up and life was starting to take place on the streets below. It was now I realized my youthful exuberance of marathon sex sessions and then cutting and running were over.
I was literally fucking exhausted.
As much as every part of my brain was telling me to get the hell out of there and cab it back to the hotel as fast as I could, I just couldn't move. Instead I passed out on her bed and slept for around 13 hours.
While I must admit that waiting 30 minutes to take the wake up piss the next day because her room mate was in the shower wasn't a great highlight I must give the girl credit as she had the decency to take me downstairs, point me to the main
street to get a cab, give me a quick kiss on the cheek and say goodbye without any request for further communication in our future endeavours.
I love that!
Of course, I didn't love the fact that when I turned around to look at the main street I had around 100 black people staring at me like it was thanksgiving and they'd spotted a free turkey. Only a few hours ago the streets had been deserted. Now there was nothing but black people as far as they eye could see.
Where the hell were these white people Bill Clinton had moved in here?
The only defence I felt I had in this situation was to play the race card. I turned to the closest black guy standing in a group near me and said in the strongest Aussie accent I could "G'day mayte! Terribly cold weather isnt it? Enough to freeze the balls off a bloody sheep eh. Do you know where would be the best spot to find a bloomin taxi around here eh'?
I was either about to be raped for all my tourist dollars, disapear into a dark alley and never be heard from again, or the exact opposite....SUCCESS!
I would like to thank Steve Irwin for teaching poor Americans that Aussies are a bunch of larrikins who for some reason are incredibly weird and should be treated with respect and helped out at all costs. Not only did I get a party of black people escort me up to the road, but I was treated like a dignitary from the white house with people being told to 'get out of the way, we have an Australian who needs a cab'.
After graciously thanking them for their help, I got into the cab and sighed from relief. Phew. Lucky these people have no idea how Americanised our country is.
On another note though, I would just like to say that hospitality from poor people is always so much better then from rich people. Stinking of sex, sweat and booze I was treated like a god in Harlem. But 2 days later dressed in an expensive suit, looking very clean and presentable it took me half an hour to get someone to actually stop and help me with directions on the upper east side. And most people were just out walking their dogs like it was the busiest thing they'd ever done in their lives. FUCKERS!
Of course, we all know what happened next when I got back. I storm into my hotel room to find my mate eating some food and watching t.v from the comfort of he's bed. He asks where I ended up last night.
"Dude!................. I FUCKED A MODEL"!!!!!!
Next time: Mississippi: Guns, Goths and Girls Girls Girls!