Scumbag Stock Portfolio

“I spent most of my money on booze, drugs and women... The rest I wasted!”

Yes, addiction is a horrible scourge on our society, but you have to admit addicts are amazingly loyal customers. We know you don’t have the capital (or balls) to become a drug dealer so why not do the next best thing: invest in publicly traded companies that profit off self destruction? Here are a couple of investment ideas for you to consider as you wait for the IPO.


Rick’s Cabaret International (Stock Ticker = RICK)
BRANDS: Rick's Cabaret, Rick's, Jaguars, Club Onyx, Tootsie's Cabaret, XTC Cabaret

Rick’s owns strip clubs all over the United States. Essentially, this is an investment in daddy issues and rapper’s wasting their money.



Jim Beam (Stock Ticker = BEAM)
BRANDS: Jim Beam, Maker’s Mark, Old Crow

This Kentucky based distillery makes the worlds most popular Kentucky bourbon. One hundred years ago, bourbon was the substance that destroyed rural American families and communities. Jim Beam was the original Walter White.



Medbox (Stock Ticker = MDBX)

This Los Angeles based company has patented marijuana dispensing machines for pot clubs. Yes- Medbox is making every stoner’s dream come true: buy weed from R2D2. The business model makes scoring pot as easy as getting a DVD from Redbox, except that you have to burn it.



Private Media Group (Stock Ticker = PRVT)
BRANDS: Triple X Magazine, Spice Networks, Porn Wars Video Series

Private Media Group is a Spanish Porn Company that makes money exploiting European women. Buying this stock is the closest you’re going to get to being an Armenian pimp.



Altria (Stock Ticker = MO)
BRANDS: Marlboro, Virginia Slims, Merit, Skoal, Copenhagen

What used to be a trach hole is now mini gold mine.



Krispy Kreme (Stock Ticker = KKD)
BRANDS: Old fashioned, Sprinkles, Maple

Pay for your kids college by one amputated leg at a time.

Uploaded 12/10/2012
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