Shit I did growing up.

-I found a flesh-colored dildo lid for beer cans that lets you drink from the can by sucking the dick. I put it in my zipper and walked into the living room. ...While they had about a dozen guests over.

-I played doctor when I was 5. It went too far and we all got in big trouble. Details are not important.

-When I was 12, I was about 75 pounds and 5'-3". Yet somehow I managed to control a 250 pound ATV meant for trails through jumps and tricks that I would never attempt today.

-When I was about 4, my cousin and I started digging a tunnel to Sesame Street. After a lot of digging and a small hole in the hard ground, we decided it would be easier to walk there. Then we argued and fought about which way to walk to get there. We never did figure out how to get to Sesame Street.

-I hid in the bushes behind my house and scared the living shit out of my uncle. It was funny as hell but no one else thought so, seeing as he just got back from the hospital after his fourth heart attack.

-I used to give friends fake tattoos using india ink or Prismacolor markers. VERY real looking for a couple days. My cousin was kicked out of the house when her mom flipped the fuck out.

-I went streaking alone one night when I was 12. Just cuz I wanted to do something daring.

-I shot a squirrel in the eye with a BB gun. Felt kinda bad.

-On my 15th birthday I took on my first job. I painted signs for a local high school. I got $50 for each one. I did one a night and 6 on the weekends. My dad's work was slow, and for those 3 weeks I was the family bread winner. I spent a huge chunk of it on candy for girls at school, the rest went to a mutual fund that is still out there somewhere.

-I knew about sex when I was like 2 or 3. No storks and fairy tales. I think my parents regretted that before too long.

-I took a shot gun shell and taped a small rock to the charge end, and fins to the other end to make a sort of mortar shell. I'd throw it and run inside real fast before it went off. I never got it to go off though. I always kinda wanted to try that again.

-I gave more cheesy love letters to Anne Akeman than any man alive ever will, and I did it all between November in 1987 and June 1988.

-When I was 7, my dad and I went on a deep-sea fishing trip for 3 days. I got sick. I found a place to curl up and sleep and someone threw a jacket over me. I slept for hours. And for hours my dad couldn't find me on that little 30-foot fishing boat.

-I watched many large animals die with a fascination. It's amazing how much blood comes out of a cow's neck when it's hanging upside down. Slaughtering is a true art and far better than any TV show.

-I stuffed my clothes to look like a body and laid it on the floor in a suspicious way. I always had an eye for realism. Like how the shoes would lay to make it look "attached" to the leg, etc. I went to bed. I awoke in the morning to my mom's terrified screams, "OH MY GOD! RYAN!!!"
Uploaded 08/13/2011
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