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Singing my little heart out.

Once upon a time, I was a high school student who was really into auto-mechanics, because that's what I wanted to be when I grew up at the time.   But, I didn't want to be the only girl in the class so I convinced my best friend to take the course with me.   Next semester came around and it was my turn to accompany her in a class that I wasn't particularly interested in.   She didn't want to be the only "non-preppy" girl in either the Cosmetology or Vocals class.  Reluctantly I weighed my options and decided to take Vocal lessons.

Turns out, it wasn't so bad.  I actually came around and learned to very much enjoy learning how to sing, and saw crazy improvement in my voice in a short period of time.  I was also motivated by  one very talented student who credited everything she knew to what she learned in that course.   Sure I put up with ridiculous breathing exercises that would make a clown blush, and had to repetitively sing really shitty music that was nominated and voted for by the majority of the preppy girls in the class, for example  Rent - Seasons of Love.   I have never watched that movie, or saw that musical on stage, but I know every harmony to that particular song... unfortunately.

My teacher was amazing.  She was the entire music department of that school, and she definitely fit the title.   It would be easier to name the instruments she couldn't play, opposed to the many she could... but even that would be hard.    She could hear 15 seconds of a song, and instantly know how to play the entire thing, including picking out the harmonies as if by natural instinct.   I would often stay after class to get one-on-one coaching that was so helpful.  Everyday I walked out of that class a better singer.

After getting better, my confidence improved too.  It would be nothing for me to start singing at the top of my lungs in a crowded room.  I did karaoke at whatever bar I could get my minor self into, and even won a couple contests.   Singing became such a major focus in my life, I even gave up smoking for 9 months, just so I could continue to improve and preserve my voice.  It was like a life style change.  No drinking milk, soda, or alcohol -  only room temperature water.  I switched my toothpaste to another flavor other than mint.    I would never yell, nor clear my throat.   I took vocals for the remainder of my high school career.

Eventually, I left school to deal with some issues at home, and everything fell apart.   I started smoking and drinking again, and stopped tailoring my lifestyle/diet.   I would practice sometimes, but it was difficult because I didn't have a piano.   All of a sudden, it's been 5 years since my last formal vocal instruction, and I can't help but miss the hobby that I used to hold so dear.

Especially now.  2 years ago I met the man of my dreams.  He's funny, smart, and a very talented bass/guitar player who was once in a band that opened for people who are now pretty famous.
He too misses the time in his life where music was everything to him.   He talks about trying to get some of the old band mates back together, even if it's only for one jam session.   I love seeing him play, and very much want to help him materialize these goals.  Futhermore, I'd really like to sing with him.  But I can't.

My boyfriend and best friend of 2 and a half years has never heard me sing.  He's one of the only people I know well, that has not heard my trained voice.... which includes my neighbors who can definitely hear me practice when the bf's away at work.  Rob (that's his name) knows me better than I know myself, and has seen and stood by me when I was at my worst.   I can tell him anything... no matter how irrational I know I am, I am never embarrassed to bring anything up around him.  Even if he laughs and tells me "Bee Bee, you're fucked!", I'm not embarrassed.  I dance in front of him all the time... and I'm not even a very good dancer.  

I don't know why I can't sing in front of him... I just can't.  Every time I try and sing to my true potential around him, it's like a physical phenomenon that literally stops me in my tracks.  The sound just doesn't come out right.  I have a powerful voice with awesome projection, but around him all I can manage to do is sing under my breath.  I just don't have the balls to push it out.  A few months ago we went to a karaoke bar, and I put my name in to sing Fiona Apple's - Criminal.  This is a song I know very well, and am easily able to sing.  But when it came time to sing "I've been a bad bad girl" it all went to shit.  At first I applied everything I learned in vocals, but what came out was the result of some strange involuntary nervous quiver that set me off so bad, i lost all focus on my breathing and how I sounded, just to try and make it stop before making a fool of myself.  This alien shake was unlike anything that ever left my mouth.  It's not like me to get nervous in front of a lot of people.
  And I know I still have it in me.  So far the only thing smoking has fucked with is my lung capacity... I can't breathe out for the 45 seconds straight that I used to be able to do... now it's around 20.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I know that if I were able to sing around him, me and Rob would spend every evening jamming together.   It would bring us that much closer, and most likely give Rob the motivation he needs to get back into music like he was back before we were together.  I listen to his demo cassettes (yes cassettes) all the time.... I know the words to his songs better than he does.  I just want to be apart of that, and indulge in that common love for music we both have.  The fantasy I have to do this with him is greater than some ladies desire to have that dream wedding they've been planning ever since childhood.  

I'm asking for advice here.  How do I grow a pair of balls?


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