Working in an sales office, my pay is partially made up of commision. And I need my money for pop rocks, and maple syrup, rent, barbed wire, car payments, Gobstoppers and imported bottles of Florida sand. So by the end of the month, my bank account is pretty embarrassing.
One thing that really boosts my sales, happens to be fat women. At Plume Empire Co. we manufacture and sell a shitload of stuff, and when i'm at the park, elevator, library, market, bookstore or local Swiss Chalet, I find all sorts of voluptuous women.
Now I may not be sales person of the year (i've gotten 6th Place, which got me a buy one 2L Pepsi get one free at KFC) but I know a thing or two about winning a woman's heart. You chat it up with one of these hefty mommas, and they'll empty their retirement funds on a sweet talker like yourself. Why, last week I told a woman she had a pretty chin, she blushed and by the end, had purchased a Swedish Vaccume valued at $240!
There was this fat woman at a bar last Thursday, reading. Yeah, READING in a bar. I felt pretty bad. So, here I am with a bottle of NyQuil sticking out of my back pocket, at my favorite tavern, when this chunky woman looks at me, and quickly goes back to her book. So, I hauled myself over to her booth, introduced myself (of course using a fake name. God forbid she was the really lonely type, that stalk average looking guys carrying NyQuill in their back pocket) her name was Belinda. How unfortunate. Seemed the lonely type. So I got her a drink (2.50$ Tequila Shot)
She told me that she was really into cats. (Go Figure) I told her that I could get her a sweet discount on a 13 foot high scratching post. KA-CHING. I was eating dinner tonight. I had my work binder on me, so showed her the add (I don't think she was really considering just how high 13 feet is....) but seemed entranced by me. She eagerly filled out the sales form, and I told her UPS should have it delivered in 8 Business days. She paid me upfront. When she did, she had a HUGE wad of cash on her. We, my friend are talking, galatic. Turns out she owns a buffet and Sundae bar.
I told her the truth, told her my real name, Creed Banfield, but explained that I was being hunted down by a beefy man with a large mustache for something like stealing his fishing gear. I keep backing myself into a corner.
I think i'll marry her.