.............. 'Of course my dear', I slurred in my worst Ali G Impression, "I is Trysexual".
After a blank stare and a shrug of her pale and alluring shoulders she reached across to my chest of drawers, rummaged around for a bit, exclaimed 'Where'd ya get these bad boys?' and pulled out an oversized candle and a cheap bic lighter. I somewhat embarrassingly regaled her with a boring tale of how there was a powercut the previous week, and I had no batteries for my torch and the candle was the next best thing and yadda, yadda, yadda, can we please continue with the perverted festivities pleasethankyoopleaseplease (Even I hate it when I start to gibber like a horned-up buffoon!)
She sat astride me once more, lit the candle and murmurred 'Have y'ever heard o' the 26 step Pleasure Pain Principle?'. She reached behind, slowly tickling sqwa junior saying, 'Here's the Pleasure'. I smiled. 'Now here's the Pain....'she said, slowly tipping the candle and dripping wax over my chest'.
I stopped smiling, bared my teeth and made a 'NNnnnng' sound.
'Only another 24 steps to go', she explained in between a bad case of the hiccups, 'I have another 12 letters for you...once the wax cools we can peel it off and you can see my speshial message for yoo'. Ooh the pleasure....Aooow the pain. After what seemed a lifetime (and after me thanking God that she didn't know joined up writing) the fine young lady haphazardly leaned back, admired her handiwork, nodded and said 'You're gonna looooove that message when we peel that wax off .......trust me'.
'Never mind the message just yet me dear', I shouted as I unceremoniously tipped her off me and the bed onto the floor, 'That burning smell ain't coming from my newly extinct chest hairs!' In all of the drunken excitement, the leaning back and the admiring of the said handiwork she had accidentially set my duvet on fire. Gathering up the flaming bedcover I made a mad dash for the bathroom and left my giggling - YES GIGGLING! - lady spreadeagled on the floor. After almost breaking my ankle on a discarded and now useless torch on the landing (Oooh cruel irony, I shake my scalded fist at thee!) I burst into the bathroom, threw the ,by now, roaring duvet into the bathtub and wrenched both taps on full boot.
As the duvet began to sizzle and spout burnt feathers up into the air and as the fire alarm started it's generally life saving yet bloody annoying Beeeeeeeeeep Beeeeeeeeeep Beeeeeeeeep I slowly stood up, turned the bathroom light on and took a long look at the pathetic creature staring back at me in the full length mirror. I had no fringe, one eyebrow, very lttle hair left on my right leg and left arm, sqwa junior was slowly letting go of his raincoat and, as I heard the tap tap at the bathroom door and the sniggering question 'Are ye ok?' from my lady 'friend', I slowly and painfully peeled the mass of waxy gunk off my chest to reveal the 13-Letter legend of 'i luv it up me bum'
My name is SQWA99, and my lesson learned here.........buy some batteries for that f**king torch!!!!!