Soothing the Internet Female Beast, by: Andrew Ryan.

Are you tired of writing meaningless blogs as your primary intent is to capture the attention of female bloggers/blog readers? Are you constantly ridiculed for being incompetent in taming and domesticating females on the Internet? Say no more - this blog is for you. Adjust your corpulent self, grab a bag of your favorite chips, and watch me work my magic. 

Before I commence, I shall request the OLD, IRATE, AND WHITE REPUBLICAN MALES to step away because you are either most likely married to some nagging Medusa looking hag or you are some demented and sadistic pedophile looking to score some fresh young meat. For example, milestyles55 and friends (you know who you are), please exit now and save yourself from future mocking courtesy of Andrew Ryan ... your bombardment and spamming of one star will not affect my adroitness at blogging. Please, exit and go play ball with your armless son or perform some mundane activity that you salivate over.

Now, without further adieu, I shall firstly state the purpose of this blog: it is to educate the young and useless in taming Internet female beasts. Now, before you open up your mouth festooned in braces and pig grease, take note of your Internet female record: are you successful? Have you been able to tame the beasts that lurk within the Internet? If you are reading this, probably not as your futile attempts at playing Mr. White Knight or the good ol' Christian boy are obviously fruitless. What I'm about to tell you is the complete truth: my advice is one hundred PERCENT foolproof and you will guaranteed win the hearts of two Internet females.

Poise yourself for this: you must act like a complete total ass. That's correct, folks, playing Mr. Nice Guy or Mr. White Knight who wishes to save the hearts of his princesses will NOT CUT IT. Allow me to recite an anecdote from my VERY OWN EXPERIENCE! Once upon a time, there was a muscular macho man named Andrew who ventured into the eBaum's World chat room and immediately noticed that every single female in the room grew instantly wet over his presence. Andrew proceeded to spot out the most compatible female specimen and immediately won over her heart (Gyps) by constantly ridiculing her. Although Andrew endured through many banishments, Andrew eventually managed to tame the Internet BEAST by mocking her looks, mocking her education, and even mocking her own very life. Gyps, most likely used to receiving compliments from the desperate pimple poppers of eBaum's World, instantly adjusted to my discouragements and accepted me. Over the course of a week, Gyps ceased banning Andrew from the chat and began complimenting and greeting Andrew, thusly proving my point of acting like an ass. 

Guess what? Andrew is ANDREW RYAN, the man who is writing this very blog! Are you in complete shock? Andrew Ryan WON the heart of Gyps and completely tamed that Internet beast with the power of discouragements and anger. Women do not like nice guys and that's a proven fact ... see famous celebrities such as Megan Fox and Emma Watson ... they date scumbags, drug addicts, the whole bad boy works! Never EVER compliment your target female specimen or else they will instantly lose interest in you and look for an alpha male and not some Pink Floyd listening beta male. The Internet female beasts are an interesting variety in that they adjust easily to discouragements but neglect compliments. 

I have conquered the hearts of many Internet females and I'm in the process of conquering more. Don't be yourself - you must lie, you must be hateful, and you must skew away from being a nice guy ... now, go get 'em tiger and be the biggest asshole alive. 
Uploaded 07/10/2011
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