Stupid Superpowers

A few years back when I lat-moved to Intel, that X-Men movie with Phoenix in it came out while I was in school. The one where Magneto was building an army of mutants. I forget the full title.


Anyway, in light of the films release, me and some of my buddies there on Red Team started coming up with the ever-infamous "Stupid Mutant Powers" only we pitched them now as interviews with Magneto to join up. I'm bored enough to reminisce about these kinds of things, so I thought I'd share some of them.


Magneto: So, what can you do? (All the interviews start with that line)

Little Girl Scout: *marches up and kicks Magneto in the shin*

Magneto: *immediately recoils, hopping about on one foot for a bit before falling on his ass and doing the Peter Griffin* WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!


Magneto: So, what can you do?

Plain-looking fellow: *reaches out and touches a glass of water on Magneto's desk... nothing happens*

Magneto: *curious, he sips the water and looks suddenly amazed* Why... it's AQUAFINA!!

Change-water-to-water man: *touches the glass again*

Magneto: *another sip* Poland Springs!!

CWTWM: *again*

Magneto: *sip* Dasani!! AMAZING!!


Magneto: So, what can you do?

Guy from Queer Eye: That cape is HIDEOUS!!

Magneto: *recoils, clutching his chest as though his heart were wounded* My... my PRIDE!!

(later on, on the front lines)

Hurt-your-pride man: HEY XAVIER!! The bald-headed look is SO last week!!

Xavier: *clutches his chest and falls out of his chair as though having a heart attack* No...!


Magneto: So, what can you do?

Galactus: *devours the sun*

Magneto: Wha... HEY!!! WE NEEDED THAT!!

Galactus: Sorry...

Magneto: Put it back this instant!!

Galactus: I can't... once I eat it, it's gone!

Magneto: Well that's just great!! Now we're all gonna die!! What the hell kind of power is that anyway? What am I going to do with someone who eats PLANETS?!

Galactus: *looking defeated and ashamed*

Magneto: Damnit, now we're all going to freeze to death. Mystique!! Follow this guy around with a plastic baggie.


There were dozens of these, but those were the ones that made me laugh the most. So I open the forum - as I'm sure has happened dozens and dozens of times before - to your best suggestions for stupid superpowers.

Uploaded 09/03/2008
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