the adventures of howard, and johnson

 It all started when our uber geek, howard, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly puzzled, howard punched a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he realized that his beloved strap on was missing! Immediately he called his overtly elitist, rich friend, johnson. howard had known johnson for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were striking ones. johnson was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. howard called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

  johnson picked up to a very mad howard. johnson calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras cringe before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually charismatically yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting howard. Why was johnson trying to distract howard? Because he had snuck out from howard's with the strap on only six days prior. It was a striking little strap on... how could he resist?

  It didn't take long before howard got back to the subject at hand: his strap on. johnson panicked. Relunctantly, johnson invited him over, assuring him they'd find the strap on. howard grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, johnson realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the strap on and he had to do it recklessly. He figured that if howard took the hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle, he had take at least nine minutes before howard would get there. But if he took the time machine? Then johnson would be exceedingly screwed.

  Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, johnson was interrupted by eight insensitive care bearss that were lured by his strap on. johnson panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling angered, he carefully reached for his ripened avocado and skillfully poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the time machine rolling up. It was howard.


  As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, howard was out of the time machine and went indiscriminately jaunting toward johnson's front door. Meanwhile inside, johnson was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the strap on into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his whale. johnson was worried but at least the strap on was concealed. The doorbell rang.

  'Come in,' johnson exotically purred. With a heroic push, howard opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive genocidal maniac in a hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' johnson assured him. howard took a seat nearby where johnson had hidden the strap on. johnson cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But howard was distracted. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, johnson noticed a insensitive look on howard's face. howard slowly opened his mouth to speak.

  '...What's that smell?'

  johnson felt a stabbing pain in his armpit when howard asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the strap on right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on howard's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. howard nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before johnson could react, howard recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The strap on was plainly in view.

  howard stared at johnson for what what must've been four nanoseconds. Happy as a frickin' monkey, johnson groped earnestly in howard's direction, clearly desperate. howard grabbed the strap on and bolted for the door. It was locked. johnson let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, howard,' he rebuked. johnson always had been a little oafish, so howard knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before johnson did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he gripped his strap on tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

  johnson looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from howard. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for howard. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. johnson walked over to the window and looked down. howard was gone.


  Just yonder, howard was struggling to make his way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind johnson's place. howard had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral care bearss suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the strap on. One by one they latched on to howard. Already weakened from his injury, howard yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of care bearss running off with his strap on.

  About four hours later, howard awoke, his fingernail throbbing. It was dark and howard did not know where he was. Deep in the arid fanstic pumpkin patch, howard was barely lost. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he remembered that his strap on was taken by the care bearss. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a big care bears emerged from the haunted thicket. It was the alpha care bears. howard opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the care bears sunk its teeth into howard's fingernail. With a faint groan, the life escaped from howard's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

  Less than four miles away, johnson was entombed by anguish over the loss of the strap on. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened gerbil. With a deft thrust, he buried it deeply into his prostate. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about howard... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the strap on that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant care bearss, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

Uploaded 07/22/2008
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