The History of Mario

Mario Jumpman, Ph.D., BS (June 23 1981 - December 1 2020 (Mario Mario) was born Mario Mario. When addressing him formally, Mario does prefers not to be called "mister", so he is generally referred to by his last name, Mario. Only his closest friends may call him by his first name, Mario, and those who refuse to call him by his last name get sat on, stomped on, ground pounded (don't ask) and whatever the fuck else the official instruction manual that came with your cartridge says

Mario is the only person alive that has beaten Bowser, Martha Stewart, and Walt Disney (not to mention Michael Jackson). He is the prophesied mustachioed saviour of the Mushroom Kingdom, also known as the Land of Shrooms. He (and his brother, Luigi Mario) were originally born in this potato realm. However, an early murder attempt by those who feared the prophecy forced them seek refuge here in our world. Mario and his brother ended up living in Brooklyn, New York, unaware of his destiny, apprenticing under Bob The Builder. The brothers quickly adapted, being influenced by the Italian culture surrounding them, and learning the traditional Italian art of plumbing. Mario was shot by Martha Stewart,but the bullet passed through without any major damage. Mario sent Yoshi to get rid of Martha, but Martha took out Yoshi in a gun fight in Branson, Missouri.

 Mario began to glimpse that he was meant for another calling when a large ape, nicknamed Big Head, terrorised the city and kidnapped Martha Stewart, a love interest of Mario's at the time. Mario hesitated to save his girl, and persevered against the simian and his seeming endless supply of deadly barrels. Sadly, already being attracted to hairy men in the first place, Martha Stewart found Mario woefully inadequate after her time spent with Donkey Kong. Martha later got serious surgery at the cost of 0 Dollars, because DK threatened the Doctor. She changed her name to who we know today, as Candy Kong, partly due to the surgery process which used candy colored bacteria. Mario was enraged by the surgery and studied to get his own doctrine in pharmacy so that he could kill the colorful bacteria with colored pills. However, do not let Dr Mario touch you - he's not a real doctor.

Some time later, the brothers were called in to save the city again from strange creatures that were coming out of the sewers and Doritos (tm) packs. The heroic brothers managed to successfully fight off numerous waves using their incredible jumping abilities and POW blocks. But when the brothers began to investigate the strange green pipes the monsters came from, they were transported to the Mushroom Kingdom.

Here they found this magical land in turmoil - the evil King Bowser of the Koopas had overthrown the peaceful Mushroom Kingdom and kidnapped the lovely Princess Peach Toadstool (who also works as a nurse for Dr. Mario). Along with his army of evil koopas, Bowser also had enslaved the rest of the land under his threatening farts. The brothers then embraced their destiny and set off to free the Mushroom Kingdom and defeat Bowser, which they did, by ingesting magic mushrooms and using fire flowers. And so, the prophecy came to pass, and the kingdom was saved. It later turned out that none of this ever happened. Mario just thought it happened because the mushrooms messed with his head.

Not long after, an evil frog Wizard named Wart began terrorizing the land in a similar manner. Once again, he set off with his brother to defeat the evil farts, this time by picking their noses. After eight grueling worlds, Mario defeated Wart, and woke up realizing that the whole epic had merely been a waste of time resulting from an acid trip that was ripped off from the game Doki Doki Panic. He had merely partied and drank too hard the night before.

One day, an alien kidnapped a princess named Daisy. Using methods he has used before, he saved the princess, but threw her away. In the process, Mario met Wario, and Luigi has a new girlfriend.

Months passed, and Bowser rose to power again, this time sending his minions to collect the magic wands of several kingdoms, and turn all kings into stupid little cows. Bowser also invented the pipe bomb, a device that explodes randomly when mario tries to go down the giant green pipes (which he never cleans by the way). Mario discovered more powerful arms than the mushroom and fire flower, such as dressing up as a racoon. This furry ability is one of the deadliest (and cutest) known to man, as furries are disgusting, and on occasion, able to turn to stone statues. He was also able to climb in a boot to jump, and dress like a turtle to throw hammers.

Mario subsequently stayed in the Mushroom Kingdom. Between skirmishes with Bowser, he enjoyed spending his time go-kart racing, golfing, playing tennis (which introduced Waluigi), and throwing a good old fashioned party from time to time. After becoming the president of Italy in 1998 as leader of the Mario Party, and his success increased to maximum levels, managing to re-top Pokemon as the most successful franchise ever.

After a few years, Mario wanted to fill his craving for violence, so he joined boxing, but was kicked out a year later for killing a man with a pipe. So he Joined wrestling, and got fired when he learned it was fake and punched Big Show in the face. He then joined UFC. He can be still seen in it today. By the name of "Tim Sylvia". He wanted to hide his identity. He is currently the UFC champion, and no one can get his title, cuz if they try, he takes goes and makes a game so they can't fight him.

To date Mario has starred in several games (that plumber is so busy), all of which were excellent, popular, and successful (one, two, or all three, depending on the situation). This has caused many renowned Gamers in Japan to nominate Mario time and time again to rule over Japan. Sadly, he was taken off the ballot due to drug charges. In his biography, titled "It's-a-me," he admitted to being a heavy magic mushroom user, but also stated he still hosts several parties with his friends, including eight successful ones.

In recent years many people have been trying to look like Mario as they a) think they'll look cool and b) want to shag the princess. Although these are good reasons none seem to have succeeded so far.

Uploaded 06/24/2008
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