I'm not sure if there is a god, or a universal power that answers our prayers, but I do know that it took me getting to know what I didn't want, to get to what I really wanted.
Once apon a time, I was niave when it came to men. I believed that I knew what was best for myself like any other 14 year old. I believed that older men liked me because I was mature for my age. I thought that anything that lasted a year, meant that is was meant to be.. Of course I was wrong. At 14 I took up smoking, heavy drinking, and started skipping class (all very smart things...). Older men liked me for the arm candy, and because they weren't mature enough to get with a girl of their age. The first guy who I stayed with for a year, left me because of "commitment issues" 2 weeks after our 1 year anniversary. I've been dumped, cheated on, and used....
So after all of that, I decided it was my time. I started using men. Older men only got with me if they had a car, and were old enough to buy me booze and smokes. I got with the guys who always had weed, and parents who designated a spot for us to smoke it. They were using me, so I used em back. After a while, I decided to quit playing, and find something meaningful. I had broken too many hearts, and wanted these guys new girlfriends off my back.
So... I tried lesbianism. Not because it was cool, but because I was up for a challenge. And boy was it ever. Girls, are cunts. I officially have a complete understanding to why guys have only one thing in mind... it's because they can't put up with the rest of it. But there was one girl, I almost fell in love with. We were friends before, and after her opening up to me about her curiousity, we "got together"... or at least that's what I thought. We did everything a normal couple did minus the penis.... Everything was cool. Until, one day, she called me, all excited, to tell me about how she and this guy she was after finally hooked up. I was hurt, and our friendship never went back to the way it was. But I guess that's karma.
So back on the penis wagon I went.... At this point I was 17 and ready to swear off people all together (insert beastiality joke here). While drinking away my sorrows at my best friends house, I got close to a guy friend of mine. He listened to what I had to say, and never made a move on me until I took the first swing. All was well. He has an excellent sense of humor... a small penis, but an excellent sense of humor.
All was good. I was getting ready to graduate from highschool, and I was accepted into college for website design, and I was ready to start my life. He promised me the world. That's where it all went to shit. While in my last semester of highschool I was taking an open grade 9/10 art course for the credit, and FAILED it because I was late on two %20-of-your-mark, projects that the cunt teacher refused to mark. Pissed off, I droppped out June 1st. And the next day I was living in a trailer park, and looking for a job. I found a job as a general laborer for a temporary placement agency, and was working hard towards first and last month's rent for an apartment. Of course, my awesome boyfriend was milking the government for workman's compensation, under his fathers guidence, and wasn't working. (He broke his pinky finger on the job, and was off work for 9 months). That's when I should have gotten the clue. We eventually moved into our first apartment after a month of living in the park. He went back to work, and we were both getting by on the money we made. I had dreams to go back to highschool, and eventually enter college. We got engaged, and we made a deal, I stayed working until he found a good enough job to support us both, and his discount movie shopping habbit. Of course, he never did, and I decided that we were going to suffer while I went to school. I went back to school, and started my semester off right. I was the perfect student. Intentive, eager to learn, and proud of myself for doing the right thing. I was accepted into college yet again. Two weeks later, the man of my dreams lost his job. So instead of actively looking for a new one, he relied on the confidence that he may be hired again when worked picked up again, and convinced his parents to pressure me into working again. So I did. Going to school full time, and working full time, is so much fun, especially when you come home to a hungry boyfriend who's obviously been eating all day, due to the stack of dishes and garbage he collected next to his computer monitor. I told mr.wonderful that he needed to find a job no matter if "What you make is enough to get us by"... and to stop being a slob, expecting me to pick up after him. He agreed after a long arguement, and started to actively look for another job. He never found one (and he never once picked up after himself), and instead my acceptance into college was revoked for 15 missed days in a row. I quit school, once again. And we were forced to move into someone's unfinished basement. My landlord was a cunt, who stole from me and locked my cat in it's carrier cage and threw it into our "apartment" after it wandered up stairs... seeing as there was no door to the basement, there was really nothing I could do about it. I, paid for a new door to be installed.
And then, things took a turn for the better. My fiance got a real full time job and I started to work for a warehousing company. I was quickly complimented by the boss for my hard working, and ability to learn quickly. I was accepted into the "family" with the nickname Peanut and it was great. It was a far cry from the factory work and lack of respect that I was used to. Although I was still living in a mold infested basement with my lazy fiance, I had an escape. One day, you guessed it, he lost his job again. I had also got word that the John Deere plant that was storing it's parts at the warehouse I worked, was packing up and moving to Mexico. At this point, I knew the pattern. His alcoholic, laid off for 6 months of the year, dependant on his girlfriend who also takes care of the handicapped, father took my fiance's side of the arguement, and convinced his son, that "as long as you have money coming in, you're ok". He then decided HE wanted to go to school... didn't know what for, as he never had a concrete aspiration in his whole life. But he wanted to yet again, ride the gravy train that is my miserable life, and have unemployment help him finish highschool. Of course, I wanted nothing of it, and after of him doing dick fuck all, including not looking into schooling, I gave him the ultimanium. I begged him to take me to his parents house so I could write him up a resume. And he was to look for a job, ever day, or I would start over, and move back in with my parents, ultimately ending the relationship and engagement (btw, I paid for my own ring, including sizing). So, while crying his eyes out, told me that he took advantage of me for too long, and that he loved me and wanted me to stay. He agreed that he would look for a job every day, and that all would be well. So after a discussion that kept us up until 4am, I got my 3 hours of sleep and went into work the next morning. When my newly changed man came to pick me up, I asked him how he made out with the job hunt. These were his exact words. "When I got back from dropping you off this morning, I was really tired, so I went back to bed.... I just couldn't keep my eyes open." So I said, "Ok, well then what happened when you got up?" "It was 11am when I got up, and that's too late in the day to put out resumes, so I didn't bother." "... well it's not but, did you look on the internet?" "I don't understand why you're riding my ass over this... so what? I didn't look for a job. So you're going to leave me now?" "Yes" I said, "Take me to my mother's house, I'll be by tomorrow with my dad to pick my shit up.".
I went there the next day to pick up my shit. To my lovely discovery, he insisted that he was keeping everything except what I came into the relationship with, and my cat. He insisted on keeping my other baby kitty that he wanted to give away 3 weeks prior (i miss my Sneezer), plus all of the other things I invested in... like my laptop, over 300 DVDs, furniture, etc. A lot of my clothes and some sentimental items were packed away in boxes, as we didn't have the room to unpack them in the one room basement we were living in. I never got those back. So essentially I did start new. Not to mention the fact that my mother is a multipersonality bitch who one moment says "You're always welcome here" to putting me in her basement to live, and insisting that I am "nothing but a house guest" to her family...
I continued to work at my escape. Got a new tattoo, and replaced my laptop with the one I'm using right now (way awesomer). A couple weeks later the most wonderful thing happened. The quiet, newly 30 year old, coworker, who has been working there for over 10 years, came up to me and asked me if I wanted to go to the serpentarium that weekend to check out the snakes and lizards they had there. I knew this was a date, because I was talking in the smoke pit about wanting a Coastal Carpet Python, and he said he terrified of snakes. I was a little hesitant because of the age difference, but after hearing wonderful things about him from my co-workers, I accepted. Not only that, I got a weird bubbly feeling inside that I hadn't experienced since my grade 7 crush asked me to the dance... it was weird, and very unexpected. Later that week, he told me that the serpentarium was closed because they were doing a kid show at the library. He asked me if I wanted to come over for a couple beers and doobie session instead. I agreed. That weekend was one I'll never forget. The keep-to-himself guy, I barely knew at work, turned out to be an awesome bass player, and a wonderful abstract artist who sketches trippy drawings on poster paper that was spread out on the walls of his small one bedroom apartment. We discovered that we shared the same, odd, taste in music, and that we were both equally anti social. He was a bachelor at best. I offered to cook for him, only to discover that he didn't own a spatula. He also, didn't have a computer, instead subscribed to the Hustler channel on digital cable (which was awesome because I had sacrificed cable TV for the internet with my ex). So at the very beginning we had a lot to offer each other. After a month of dating, I moved in with him. I cooked for him, and introduced him to the interwebs. In return he respects me more than I ever respected myself, and supports me and my choice to stay home and start my dream of owning my own Website Design company. We both have cats from previous relationships, but now have a cat together, who we named after his favourite soccer player Wayne Rooney (the cat's name is Rooney). Despite the John Deere closure, he managed to survive the 80 percent layoff rate at his place of work, which included two of his bosses. He succesfully accomplishes everything he sets out to do. He's been living in this apartment for over 7 years so our rent is a mere $456 including utilities, a month. Now, I live in a clean, mold free apartment, that we both care for. The sex is amazing, he'll fuck me until the point of almost passing out... literally. Which is a far cry from "I'm tired... wanna have lazy sex?".
We share the same realistic dream of getting married, owning a small house or cottage out in the middle of nowhere, having a kid or two, and a few dogs... (He's still iffy about owning a python...). He loves fishing and camping, and taking in the great outdoors as much as I do... which is much better than sitting around watching nostaligic movies, and playing video games all the time.
I now have my highschool education and am currently putting my freelance website design wage towards my college fund (not that I really need it, I'm already an entreprenuer). My life couldn't have took a better turn. It's almost like being in an alternate universe to what I had before.
Which is why I believe that the law of attraction really works. It'll be a year of dating on the 28th of this month. Which will mark the day that my life became a very happy, stress free, life that is filled with love and meaningful, stable, companionship.
The moral of this story - Don't settle for shit. Happiness is gained through trail and error, and once you think you're doomed to be shit on for the rest of your life, take a look around... there's more to this world than what meets the eye, you just have to find it.
Thanks for reading my incredibly long, boring, and gay blog.