The night I lost my v-card

      I never thought I would tell this story again. Let me just start by saying that. The story starts my freshman year of college at Mizzou. It was still early on in the year when everyone was just getting to know each other. It's only natural for 18-19 year old guys to try and be the most impressive when it comes to females. Every guy early on was trying to bang the hottest chick on campus, I think everyone can relate to that.

      I'm gonna be honest, I was never the most out going guy, nor am I the best looking guy. In high school, more girls were repulsed by me than actually tried to talk to me. I received a grand total of two hugs during my time in high school. That's just the kind of guy I was in high school. I was determined that college, things would be different. I bought a bunch of new clothes before I went down to school, got some hair gel, got Proactiv (much needed) and some fresh to death cologne.

      I'll give a quick rundown of my new wardrobe, because I feel it's important to paint the full picture. Hollister, Abercrombie and Fitch and American Eagle. I was actually looking pretty dope with my tight Hollister tees on my skinny ass body.

      If you haven't figured out by now, I just wasn't that cool even in the first year of college. I felt under even more pressure to be cool since other guys in my dorm were bangin chicks every weekend. We would go to parties, and I would try to drink the Natty Light in my red solo cup that I paid $10 to get, but it was just nasty and I could never do it. But as a determined young chap, I was so dead set on getting drunk and find my beautiful lady, that I forced it down. Weekend after weekend I would end up drunk, but no success. Not even a sloppy make out session.

      Now, up to this point, I was pretty frustrated. Other guys made it look so easy, and I was quickly getting more and more crap for being the "loser" on the floor. I think they were joking and all in good fun, but it hurt my confidence nonetheless. I put my foot down and I told myself that I was going to get laid the next weekend. I was so ready when Friday came along. I put more than enough gel in my hair, sprayed my body with the breath taking Hollister cologne and wore my best ripped up AE jeans and nicest A&F shirt. Let's be honest, after all the past failures, I didn't think much would come out of this night.

      So NEVER did I ever think that what happened would. Me and my entourage went down to East Campus, which is notorious at Mizzou for their house parties. It's also kind of sketchy, but this is college, so it just adds to the aurora. But anyway, we find our house where I was going to find my lady and this was going to happen.

      I'm gonna be honest again, I failed hard, but what else was new? I believe women could smell me coming around the corner and that was their cue that they should run. I decide to just go outside for a bit and get some fresh air. I was just walking down this sidewalk away from the parties and I was just thinking to myself. I was just considering if I was cut out for this and if I should join the priesthood since nobody cares if you get laid when you're a priest. That's when it happened... This girl with some very high heels, a tight short skirt and a sexy tank top where her large breasts were popping out came up to me and asked why I was looking so sad. This never happens to me ever (a girl talking to me) so I froze up and probably looked like a total idiot with my mouth wide open. She smiled and took my hand and she whispered in my ear, "I think I know what you want." I somehow forced a smile that indicated that yes, yes you do know what I want. She smiled back and asked me if I was sure, and of course I said I was.

      I let her take me to her car. My palms were sweaty, butterflies in my stomach, my heart was pumping. This was it. This was the moment I had thought about for years. I had this beautiful girl basically begging me to come to her car. She tried to start some small talk, but I couldn't get much out. Just a lot of one word answers and awkward smiles. She could sense I was nervous, so she said "let me make you feel more comfortable" or something like that. I was far too horny to remember. She puts her hand on my thigh and moves slowly down. I'm not trying to get banned on here for going into too much detail, but you all can imagine what happened next. What I had dreamed about for so long, happened. I was finally a man.

      If you were thinking that she was a prostitute, you would be right. After we did the business, I was so stunned. It was, in short, the greatest moment of my life. I was smiling from ear to ear and looked over to her. She smiled and said "$75". I was taken aback, I said what are you talking about? In short, after she put her hand on my thigh and my mind was in lala land, she had told me it was going to be $75. I was far too turned on to care and I just said (screamed) "OK! OK!" I was too stupid to put 2 and 2 together in the moment. I obviously didn't have enough money to pay her. Thankfully, I had $50 in my pocket and she let me go back to the party and my friends were able to get the remaining $25, so I came back and paid her, and that's the last I ever saw of her. I never even knew her name.

      I'm down $50 precious dollars, but it was a moment I will never forget. A part of me feels bad that I lost my virginity to a prostitute, but I feel almost as bad as all of you who actually read all this and failed to read the second word of each paragraph.

Uploaded 11/18/2011
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