Ok, in response to Majorfathead's insistence that I finish the "no shit, there I was" story, here it is.  This is pretty much the way I used to tell this story in Iraq, but for EBW I have made a couple small changes, you'll see them.  This is part one, I hope you like it.

No shit, there I was:  knee deep in a rice paddy, nothing but shower shoes and a light coat of oil.

I had just escaped from the Hanoi Hilton and was making my way to the Mekong Delta, where I knew I would find friendlies.  That's when it happened....  I heard a noise behind me and immediately took cover.  Slowly looking over my shoulder, I saw who was tracking me.  It was the Swedish Bikini Team, and they meant business.  They were moving in with bayonets fixed, wearing camouflaged bikinis and face paint.

That's when my training kicked in and I went on auto-pilot.  Thinking quickly, I grabbed an industrial size box of Jello brand gelatin that I had stolen from the guards and dumped it into the rice paddy,  creating the world's largest cherry flavored jello cup.  Bill Cosby would have been proud....

I began making the Swedish mating call:  (this part stolen from Deunan) GERDAY SHMERKIN, GERDAY SHMERKIN, GERDAY SHMERKIN!!!

 

It worked like a charm.  The girls immediately picked up the pace and walked right into the trap I had set, but that's when I realized my plan had one major flaw:  Having just escaped from a prison camp, I had no camera!  No way to document the mayhem about to unfold before my eyes!  How could this be?  Who would ever believe me?

 

That's when I noticed the tell-tale antenna sticking up between the monster jugs of the squad leader (who was just feet from me, but didn't notice me due to the calming effect of the cherry jello).  I immediately recognized it as a satellite cell phone.  I quickly snuck up behind her, and placed one hand in front of her just below her 38DDs, and with my other hand, undid the back of her bikini top.  The bikini flew off with such force, it sounded like a 7.62mm round, and flew across the cherry jello/rice paddy and struck one of the other girls in the face, knocking her down.  I knew the melee was about to kick into over-drive, so I had to act fast.

 

Using the cell phone, I quickly dialed the NSA at Langley and talked to my old friend, CPT Fathead.  I explained my situation, and told him if he could help me, I would see to it he was promoted to MAJ Fathead immediately.  He had been passed over for promotion a couple of times after the incident with the claymore and the purple cow (but that's another story for another blog).  He agreed, and quickly diverted a spy satellite with a direct link to EBW to my location, and zoomed in.

 

The squad leader who had just lost her top (and her cell phone) looked down at her gigantic ta-tas and wondered what had happened.  I looked at her epic bazookas too, and that's when I realized the Swedish bikini team was in possession of the greatest secret weapon ever.  There they were, like a pair of 120mm smooth bore main battle guns.  But I digress.

 

Anyway, that's when the girl who got hit by the flying bikini attacked her.  The two scuffled, then fell, disappearing beneath the jello.  Moments ticked by.  Suddenly they reemerged, but now, the squad leader had also lost her bikini bottom, and it was stuffed in her mouth, like a halter, and the other girl was on her shoulders riding her like a cowboy on a bull in a Texas rodeo.  The rest of the squad sent up a loud cheer, and getting caught up in the excitement, I yelled YEEEEE HAAAAAW!!!

 

Silence followed, as the girls all turned to look at me.  One picked up her M-4, and I saw her bayonet was still affixed, the sunlight glinting on it coldly, as if it were looking at me.

Again, I began making the Swedish mating call, and again, it worked like a charm - the girl with the M-4 dropped it, and began wading through the jello toward me.  But there was a problem.... there where twelve of them, and only one of me!  Could I handle all of them?  Could I last for that long?  Could I assault through and get at the squad leader with the enormous fun bags?  Would the woman attached to those marvelous melons accept my marriage proposal???

There was only one way to find out.....

Stay tuned to EBW for the amazing climax to this epic saga of...... epic melons.  If I can figure out how to use the embed feature, pictures of the squad leader will be included.....