the pursuit of day dreams

life took a turn for the worst so i have not blogged for a while. i hope to finish the stories that i have started on here once life has calmed down a bit.

life has changed a lot for me in the last 5 years, i have lost many things; i have gained many  things. i know that my experiences have changed me, i would like to say they have improved me but they certainly have left their scars. i am no longer certain about anything even though i have learnt and understood so much. i have a perspective on whole new side of reality and the meaning of life.

a friend tonight spoke of his woes. although i listened and offered compassion i couldn't help but see him as i was 5 years ago; not a care in the world. but the things that seem so small to me are so massive to him. he does not see how lucky he is to have the things he has; the heart ache of longing for someone who doesn't share his feelings does not compare to some of the things i have been through. don't get me wrong; each person's problems are individual to them and you can not compare, but to me i have been in the same position, it hurts, yes, but he can walk away from it; he can find someone else. he will feel the same for someone else and totally forget he ever felt that way. life goes on... for me the problems will be with me for the rest of my life, there is no walking away.

for a while my story was simular to the film with Will Smith: the persuit of happyness. he takes a chance and works hard and it pays off big. i took a few chances and they paid off. i was down to my last few dollars, which i used to travel to a job interview an hours train journey away, i got the job and it paid more than i had ever got in my life. i was engaged in a long and bitter court battle of which the job was vital. my life changed so much for the better and i was actually beating the bastards! against all the odds and all the people i was fighting against, i was actually winning and i did it all by myself.
things went this way for about three years, i seemed to make all the right moves and fate shined on me; i kept being lucky in everything i did. then when things were going at their best, where i was just about to win it all, i played one card poorly and the whole tower of cards fell down around my feet. my life became the exact opposite. life inverted. it was like i had been walking for 10 miles in the wrong direction. imagine winning the lottery and watching your bank balance go up to a million, then imagine it being minus that number, a million in debt. thats pretty much what happened with me, everything i had struggled for for the last four years and acheived was less than what i had when i first started the struggle... it was soul destroying...

i guess in contrast my problems could not compare to someone starving in somalia or a crack head who destroyed his life with drugs. its so hard though isn't it? to pull yourself away from your pain, the enclosure that is your problems and your woes. in a previous blog i talked about happiness and making the best out of life. but it just seems though, that life keeps taking steps downward. with every step i have to pick myself up and say 'hell, this is what i have now, i best make the most of it.'

i climbed the mountain once before, it was a struggle but i made it. the mountain is now ten times as tall and my legs are ten times as weary but life is just a game and the only lossers are those who dont try to win it.
Uploaded 12/06/2011
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