The Santa Claus Tirade

            Once upon a time I went to a parade.  Not the St. Patrick Parade and no it wasn’t the Gay Pride Parade because you can only fool me once.  It was the Santa Claus Parade.  Yet I wonder this one thing.  Is the Santa Claus Parade an innocent event for the children or is it a government conspiracy?   My friend Richard and I take it to the streets of the Toronto’s Santa Claus Parade to find out the TRUTH!


            Richard and I come across a man named Tom who has been waiting for Santa Claus…  FOR 3 HOURS!!!!  Now then I don’t know about you but if the jolly old fat man isn’t there in an hour I am going home.  Tom on the other hand was still excited to see Santa Claus.  We decided to cut Tom some slack because it was his first time at the parade, so for all he could know Santa could be arriving in a hot tub with cheerleaders inside…  Sigh


            Anyways where was I? Oh yes, our next person we talked to was a lady named Puney who has been waiting for Santa Claus for seven days.  That’s Right I said it, Seven Days. What we found shocking was that she too was also still excited to see Santa Claus. Richard and I couldn’t wrap our heads around it.  Why would Tom and then Puney still be patient and excited to see Santa Claus?  Could this be that they have faith that he will finally come?  Well just to be sure we threw in a trick question.  We asked Puney what her favourite float was so far.  She said it was the Pinocchio float.  Wait? What? Pinocchio float?  We aren’t at the Disney parade.  We aren’t even close to Disney Land!  There is no question about it, this is the works of the Canadian Government brainwashing their very own citizens.


            One of our theories is that the government must be putting something in our water.  The results were startling.


            If the adults are brainwashed then surely she kids must be too.  Richard asks a group of kids some hard questions. Where is Santa’s workshop located?  The kids claim it to be at the North Pole. There is no North Pole; the only North Pole around here is the flag pole on Parliament Hill.  Guess who lives there? The Prime minister!  Anyone with a brain knows that the real Santa’s workshop is located in China.  Why else would all the toys you have ever gotten on Christmas say Made In China?  As Richard was questioning the kids I decided to take it to the media and question them.  I asked our local news reporter who would win in a fight Chuck Norris or Santa Claus?  The news reporter claimed Santa Claus would win. Wow just wow.  I didn’t even know what to say so I moved on to my next question a much easier question.  If the Grinch came to the parade, what would the media do about? The news reporter said that Santa would snap his magic fingers and make him go away.  Sigh, even our local news have been brainwashed by this government conspiracy.  Richard on the other hand asked the kids a much easier question.  What are the names of Santa’s eight reindeers? We received no response from the kids.  All kids should know that the eight reindeers are Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey, Bashful, Zangy, Blanka, Chung-Li, and Steven.  Richard and I were so disappointed in the kids we did not reward them with candy canes.


            Just when Richard and I lost all hope we came across a Lady with a two year old.  We asked her the hard question.  Our first question was if she thought the Grinch might come to the parade.  Her reply was she hoped not and if he did her two year old will yell “NO, NO, NO, GO AWAY GRINCH!!!!”  That sounds like fighting words to me.  Our next question was who she would think, would win in a fight, the Grinch or Santa Claus?  She claimed Santa Claus would win due to the joy and happiness he gives to all the children.  Fair answer, so we throw in the final question.  Who would win in a fight Chuck Norris or Santa Claus?  Her answer was Chuck Norris.  Richard and I were surprised it also brought hope to us that maybe Canada isn’t doomed to government brainwashing.


            We then met an Asian man named Jake.  He claimed to be waiting for Santa Claus for three days and still no sign of him.  We asked Jake if he has lost all hope in Santa’s arrival.  Jake just looked at us blankly.  Turns out Jake don’t know any English.  Oops!


            We finally realized after our lunch break that there were no cars on the road. Not one single car.  If it was a Frogger level even I could win.  Richard decides to question the pigeons about the parade and the mystery of the empty road but he received not comment.  Could it be the pigeons are behind all this?  We decided to go back to the media and get the real answers by bribing them with free candy canes.  They did not fall for it.


            Finally Richard found Him. Richard has finally found the jolly old man himself St. Nick.  His question for the big guy was simply. What surprise does he have for the parade?  He claimed to be full of surprises.  Hmmm you know who is also full of surprises? The Canadian government, that’s who.  Richard plays it cool and goes to the next question of how many kids at the parade are on the naughty list?    He claimed a small percentage was on the naughty list and most of them were on the good list.  Richard found out that this list was a list of who was brainwashed and who wasn’t and not who was good and naughty.  Which surprised us because why else would kids receive more presents than they can imagine? They receive presents to keep their big mouths shut about this whole conspiracy.  Why else would there be a surplus of Tickle Me Elmo’s?  Think about it.


At the end of the parade it turns out that Richard never found St. Nick.  The St. Nick he was interviewing was nothing more than an imposter.  Secret and lies I tell you. Secret and lies!!!!!

Uploaded 11/14/2008
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