My mom gave birth to me while squatting. I was so badass that I stuck my index finger in her ass and hung on until she put down the pipe and swatted me away.

The nurse screamed when she saw me. And just before she fainted at the sight of my baby sexiness, I headbutted that bitch like a baus. Then I farted in her face and checked the fuck out. I ain't got no time for that noise.

I was born with tattoos and fingerless gloves.

I eat lava and shit tornadoes.

To be continued.