Based on a true story.
It was my first time at a camp. Sure, I visited a World War II memorial in Poland when I was 14, but this was different. This camp was active, fun and full of my kind of people.
I arrived at Camp Wanagawankme at seven A.M. on a Saturday and was supposed to stay there for a week. Entering the premises I instantly locked eyes with a beautiful female. I had a hard time looking away from her and, from what I could tell, she had a hard time taking her eyes off of my huge pectorals and bronzed physique. She would not stop staring at me.
The first 30 minutes there were spent with the camp officials getting us oriented with the place. I briefly looked back at the beautiful girl behind me but she was no longer staring at meshe had ceased her penetrating glare. Instead, something new had her enraptured right where I was once standing and she was looking so intently at that instead of me.
Was it a new man? I couldnt wait to find out. I bolted over to the park entrance where I first saw that angelic woman of my dreams and scanned the area, looking for what had stolen her gaze. I saw nothing and quickly shot a glance her way. She was now staring back at me, again. Content, I returned to the orientation.
The rest of the day, I couldnt stop thinking about her. She was the woman I always wanted, I always NEEDED. I had only seen her for, perhaps, one minute combined, but I knew together we already had formed an incredible relationship. I was going to go take it to the next level come nightfall.
Lights out was 10 oclock, but I managed to sneak out at 11. I didnt know for sure where in the camp shed be, but I had a hunch that she would be where we first metnay, merely saw each other but knew for certain that we were meant to be together, forever.
As I inched closer to the camp entrance, keeping as quiet as possible, my heart started beating faster and sweat started pouring down my body as a silhouette of a woman slowly grew in the glow of my low-power flashlight. There she was, waiting for me to take her away, to please her in every way imaginable.
Then, I was standing there right in front of her. Both of us stood silently for a moment, not knowing what to say. She, as before, was staring at me. I blushed momentarily, realizing that she truly was enthralled by my chiseled, rock hard hamstrings.
I spoke first. Mymy name is Randy, I told her. She was shy or nervous or both and didnt say anything. She didnt have to speakeverything she wanted to say was being transmitted by her unblinking eyes.
Do you I began, but didnt finish. I put my hand on her soft, supple cheek and gave it a gentle stroke. I knew what she wanted. I bent down and instantly attached my mouth to hers, kissing her with the passion and intensity of a million Suns. I swept her off her feet into my arms. She was as light as a feather, and we were about to fly away to paradise.
But then I heard rustling behind me and someone yelled, what are you doing with that cadaver?! All the camps lights burst on and the chief mortician came running after me. He screamed, put it down! and glanced with disgust at the rock hard, bulging hernia I suffered when lifting up the corpse into my arms.
I was arrested at the gate of Camp Wanagawankme Mortician Training Center, right where my whole love affair began. Charged with attempted necrophilia and sentenced to four months in prison, a day never went by when I didnt think about my first, and only, true love. I sent her letters everyday but never received anything back, except for a legally-binding cease-and-desist letter from the Camps legal team.