Today my girlfriend and I did another round of costume shopping for X-ween. (X-ween is an abbreviation I just made up for Halloween...it's like X-mas) We had spent about 3 or more hours last weekend and were at it a couple hours today.

I'm a straight male who is not a teenager so I HATE shopping. I am impatient and the trip was taking longer that expected. We were in line buying pumpkins and this gut in a scooter was ahead of us. We chose this line because it was the shortest.

Scooter is visiting with the cashier because, being on disability, he has all the time in the world. This is his social life. He is going on and on about nothing and my ire is raised. He is finally done but is taking an incredible amount of time putting his wallet away and whatever when the woman asks him if he'd like help with his groceries.

"No, that's fine," he says in a slow, jus-passin'-time cadence, "I parked where I shouldn't have...blah...blah...blah and on-and-on and this is my life story and..."

A line was forming behind us so I finally said, "Are ya' gonna' sit there and BS all day or are you gonna' let us shop?"

My GF who is the most polite compassionate person on earth was mortified. The cashier was uncomfortable yet probably glad I ended his inane drivle. And I thought, "If he was a big biker dude or a gangbanger I would have held my tongue."

I can be a badass when dealing with women or crippled-up guys. I'm pretty sure I could take a Girl Scout in an arm wrestling match. DON'T MESS WITH THE ugdork!

Happy x-ween, everybody!