Today I surprised my son with a father/son day at the movies. We went to see The Unborn.

It started out well, we stopped at Toys-R-Overpriced and I let him spend his allowance because his trousers were smoldering at the pockets from the money. We made Arby's our next stop and got some fake meat with fake cheese and fake horseradish and laughed and talked as the fake juices ran down our chins.

We arrived at the theater early and played a game of pinball then got a trashbag full of popcorn' (That was the small; the large is just a swimming pool of Jiffy-Pop you jump in) and took our seats. We both turned off our phones and whispered occasionally as the commercials played.

Just before the trailers began, a group of 4 middle school girls sat a few rows behind us. They laughed and talked loudly as if they were at a slumber party. It was annoying and I commented to my 9 year-old, "I might have to smack a bitch."

Another group of 4 middle-aged pieces of white trash  sat behind us and they, too, felt that the entire theatre should hear how witty and cool they were. If you have read my McDonald's or my grocery store blogs you know that I sometimes overreact to DUMB FUCKING STUPID, INCONSIDERATE, COCKSUCKING SCUM PEICES OF SHIT, WHICH IS WHAT BOTH GROUPS WERE.

The little girls were told to shooosh by the usher, at which point I clapped loudly. Sorry, son, daddy's got an issue starting here. As the trailers played, the four trailer trash wasters of my oxygen behind me continued to talk (not whisper) of mindless shit. I guess the bingo hall and the Indian gambling casinos were closed or they had already spent their welfare money or something.

My son knew I was about to blow and I told him that if their talking continued, I would say something after the movie started. The movie started and I gave them about a minute or so to shut the fuck up. I figure they were like pre-schoolers and needed a cooldown time. Finally I turned around and gruffly whisper-yelled, "SHUT the FUCK UP...FUCK"

They were shocked and looked as if they really didn't know what the problem was. I don't understand the mentality. If you are in a theater, SHUT THE FUCK UP. If you are watching your child's Christmas play, SHUT THE FUCK UP! I remembered that the MAIN reason I don't go to movies is because there is always some worthless piece of shit talking and I am always the one to tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

We enjoyed the rest of the movie in peace. It was OK; had some make-you-jump moments. It is worth renting when it comes out on DVD and if you like to go to flicks, it's a fun flick, but when you go see it, please do us all a favor and SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!