Once upon a time I joined the UFC Ultimate Fighter Challenge. I decided to do this just for kicks and giggles and hopefully chicks. I am the last person to join UFC because when I got into the change room all the guys had six packs, a whole body so thick you can shred cheese on it. To be honest I also have a six pack but let’s just say it is in the fridge. A guy named Tom walks in and puts the fighting times on the bulletin board. I checked for my name and it turns out that I will be fighting Kimbo. If you don’t know who he is, he is the King Kong of all UFC fighters while I am more of a care bear of all UFC fighters. There was only three weeks until my fight so I had to practice fast!
I spent the entire three weeks playing Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat. I now have all the knowledge an ultimate fighter should have. The fight was just minutes away and I was shitting bricks so big I had to pay property taxes on it.
3, 2, 1 and the fight began. Here is a tip for you. In order to survive a UFC fight I suggest you start running around the ring so that way your opponent has trouble catching you. Unless of course they stop and go the other way. Which is exactly what Kimbo did. I panic and went straight to the floor spinning around in circles going “WOOP! WOOP! WOOP! N’YUK! N’YUK! N’YUK!” Kimbo just takes his fists and wails on me until the end of the first match.
I have a black eye two teeth missing and one broken rib. I am pretty much at the point where I can’t feel anything. When the bell went “ding, ding” to start round two, Kimbo came running at me. I just crouch down and start flicking my arm in out really fast. It wasn’t long until my whole body became and electric current and 50,000 volts of electricity went through Kimbo’s body. True story I swear. Kimbo falls to the ground. He gets back up and runs at me again I put my two hands together and yell “HI DUKIN.” Dukin is my Asian friend who came to watch me fight. I thought it would be nice to say hi to him. Not a moment later a huge blue fire ball came out of my hands and hits Kimbo he ends up falling to the ground like a sack of bricks. Kimbo stumbles to get back up so I quickly get a whip I found on the ground whipped it around his neck and yelled “get over here!” I pulled the whip and he came flying towards me. I ducked in the nick of time and Kimbo crashed into the post knocking him out. The match was over and I won the UFC gold belt. I walked over to Kimbo looked at him right in his big brown eyes and said.
“Your soul is mine. Bitch!”