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Music that Sucks

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I am operating under a theory. I have studied a lot of music, and I like a lot of genres. Classical, rockabilly, blues, bluegrass, dixieland, electronica, punk, goth, folk, metal...the list goes on and on. But I have a belief here that there is not one song that cannot be made worse by doing a gangsta-rap, musical, or country western version of it.

Don't believe me. Try this on for size. Classic song; Journey's “Don't Stop Believing” You can see the original here), re-written in west-side gangsta-rap style.

Country hottie got her horn on so got on a train
Lookin' for anyone to take away her pain
Motown hoodie wanna be a playa
Lookin'  for anyone so he can be a savior

Do he get the girl?
No!
Do he fix her world?
No!
Boy just find a cheap drunk skank
and give her ass a twirl.
Yo!

Don't matter if you know.
Streets just filled with ho's.
Hidin' on the corners.
Streets just filled with ho's.

I work it hard and get what's mine.
Get my dolla's worth every time.
The dice is loaded 'cuz life ain't kind.
Get my dolla's worth every time.
My money, my shorties, my mu'fuckin' town,
Mess with my ass and you goin' down.
I take what I needs from the top of the line.
Get my dolla's worth every time.

I ain't gonna give up.
Don't wanna give up.
Streets just filled with ho's.

(repeat, fade out)

Musicals are not better at all. They use the same simplistic elements, but they are just more light-hearted and lyrical. Take for example “Bring Me To Life” by Evanescence (original here) done in a kind of pseudo Andrew Lloyd Webber style.

You look into my eyes,
And you see no surprise.
You just seem so bold,
while I'm just feeling cold.
My very spirit has become lost.
You could bring it back but what's the cost?


Chorus:
I need to wake up...
   ...need to wake up.
Someone needs to save me from my dreams.
I need to wake up
from this world where
nothing is what it seems.


I'm missing something in my life
and that something is you.
Are you the one to end my strife
and give me all that I am due?


Chorus

Wake me from my dreams.
Wake me from my dreams.
Give me your love
and make my dreams a reality.
For a thousand years I've been asleep.
I can't wake up; I'm way too deep.
Wake me from my dreams.


Chorus

Wake me from my dreams.
(repeat, fade out)

And country western does it's share of ruining perfectly good music. Take for example what happens to Nickelback's “Figured You Out” (original here)when you add that pop-twang to it.

I like a woman in dusty jeans
especially if they're at her feet.
And I can't say no when her lips say please
when our eyes just meet.

And  love to take you places
where you show me off to friends.
Those crazy all-night parties
Where the beer just never ends.

Chorus
Ooh darlin' I know you
inside and out.
I know the person that you are.
I know I figured you out.

You remember that night
I spilled my drink right on your chest?
You wiped it off your freckles
then said you still liked me best.

I still pay for every meal
because I know a man should.
And I still hold out your chair for you
even when I know you've been no good.


Chorus

I like a woman in dusty jeans
especially if they're at her feet.
And I can't say no when her lips say please
when our eyes just meet.

I get tired of the parties.
Your friends know you too well.
Just as far as I'm concerned
their drunk asses can go to hell.


Chorus

See what I mean? Oh, and to all of the people who like those music styles who can't take this tongue-in-cheek and laugh at themselves...Forget you and the clown you rode in on. Now go out there and find some real music.

Dominus Uploaded 10/16/2008
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